Your Unmet Needs Might Want My Therapist's Advice
the importance of creating space
The first time I asked myself what I needed, I was 45 years old.
And to be honest, I didn’t think to ask myself that question; it was my therapist’s idea.
It happened in our initial session together. We’d just practiced several minutes of breathwork (conscious, controlled breathing done especially for relaxation or therapeutic purposes). Its purpose that day was to help me turn inward and connect with my body.
‘What are you needing right now?’ Caroline gently asked. “You don’t have to say it out loud; you can write it down in your notebook.”
The answer was so immediate, so clear it startled me.
In my head, it sounded like an agonizing scream. I saw this vivid image of myself desperately pushing back against people, demands, requests, and expectations. Although it was beyond words, the answer was truly enlightening.
In the second therapy session, I was able to describe to Caroline what I’d heard and envisioned. I bravely took a stab at interpreting the meaning behind my visceral reaction to her question.
“There is no space in my body,” I explained, as tears flowed. “I feel constantly intruded upon, buried beneath noise, information, and other people’s expectations. There is no breathing room inside me.”
It took many months of introspective work, but I learned that creating space in my body is just as important as creating space in my daily life.
It’s been four years since I worked with Caroline. Due to financial constraints, I couldn’t continue, but I will always be grateful that she taught me the value of connecting with my body. It was the catalyst for listening and prioritizing my needs.
Identifying Needs
I knew Spring 2025 would feel unstable, both personally and collectively, so I vowed to bring space to my inner world through a simple practice I call Planting Pauses. In my experience, it’s one of the most accessible ways to grow presence, inner peace, and clarity – no matter how chaotic one’s external environment is.
Compared to 2020, I am now able to notice when I start to feel “too full” – oversaturated by information, pressure, stress, despair, and uncertainty. I also know that ignoring or minimizing that negative emotion will result in a blow up, so before that happens, I plant a pause. Sometimes planting a pause can help me figure out the answer to that vital question, “What am I needing right now?”
I was recently talking about it with my best friend from childhood,
, who is also a licensed therapist. I admitted that my tendency to prioritize other people’s needs over my own makes it hard to identify what I need sometimes.Kerry gave me an incredible gift by proceeding to walk me through a self-awareness process she thought would help. Kerry’s practice felt like an expansion of what I’d learned from my therapist in 2020. Kerry called it: Extracting Needs from Emotions.
“This morning, I checked in with myself and asked, how am I feeling?” Kerry modeled. “I am feeling joyful. Given this positive emotion, I know a need is being filled. Can I identify the need that’s being fulfilled? Yes, I danced last night which filled my need for expression, energy release, and human connection.”
Kerry then asked me how I was feeling.
“Stressed,” I blurted out.
“Ok… the presence of this negative emotion means a need is not being met. What need is not being filled?”
“Well, I feel misunderstood by someone, and my fear and insecurity are telling me to ‘fix’ the situation by abandoning my boundaries.”
“Ok, so your need is to tend to these parts of you,” Kerry guided. “They need to hear they are not bad; they haven’t done anything wrong and need to feel understood. Grounding yourself in the present moment will also help meet your unfulfilled needs. What about going for a walk or watching birds in your backyard, Rach?”
When we got off the phone, I found loads of information on how our feelings can be a powerful indicator of whether our needs are being met. I felt like I hit the jackpot when I came across a list of feelings and emotional needs that would help me use Kerry’s process more effectively. I posted the lists in my kitchen Corner of Light, so I could easily access them.
Creating Space
On Sunday, I woke up feeling completely out of sorts. I was deeply worried about my cat, Banjo, who recently had a skin mass removed and fell ill after surgery. I was starting to feel the reality of Avery leaving to go to college. I learned funding for museum and library services were being halted, along with pediatric cardiovascular research. I worried about the people I know who would be impacted.
Suddenly I realized I felt too full, and I would combust if I didn’t do something to relieve the pressure and create space inside myself.
I looked around to see where I might Plant a Pause.
Sitting behind my bedroom armoire was a laundry basket that held sacred odds and ends I’d been collecting for nearly two years. Though my armoire would be a perfect home for these trinkets, it was so overcrowded and disorganized that I’d been keeping them in a laundry basket!
Knowing that working with my hands clears my head by grounding me in the present, I decided to clean out my jewelry box. It was time to make room for my beloved trinkets.
For over an hour, I got lost in sorting items that had been shoved in the drawers. Once I arranged the inside of the armoire, I decided to clear off the top.
Do you know what I discovered? The top opens! And inside were all these special little compartments.
With great care and intention, I placed my most precious keepsakes in those spaces, making sure not to overcrowd them. Items like:
a jade ring from Africa worn by my mom
the friendship bracelet Avery made me during her darkest days
my grandmother’s watch
my very first I choose love and only love today wristbands
my prayer box with tiny notes inside
Since Sunday night, I have opened the top of the armoire at least 50 times! Just looking at it my special objects in their proper places makes me feel secure, settled, held, and loved.
Not Too Late
When I peer inside this lovely little world I created by Planting a Pause, I can’t help but think about what Avery did for herself in Spring 2017. Her Grandpa Ben and beloved hamster, Mochi, died within days of one another that March.
“Look,” young Avery beamed as she pulled out the top drawer of her bedroom dresser, revealing all her favorite artifacts. “Sometimes my sadness feels like too much, so I made a HAPPY DRAWER to reminds me of what brings me joy.”
To recall this sacred memory as eighteen-year-old Avery prepares to embark on her path of independence feels like such a gift right now.
At the mere age eleven, Avery knew the importance of asking, what am I needing right now?
At forty-five, a helper in my life suggested it was high time I asked myself that question.
Thankfully, it’s never too late to turn inward and listen.
Thankfully, it’s never too late to deem ourselves worthy of the space and nourishment we need to thrive.
Let’s keep planting pauses, loves.
Who knows what hidden discoveries we’ll make and what goodness we’ll grow?
My hand in yours,
Rachel
💌 I need to tell you that my yearly spring sadness has been eased by knowing my work is helping you navigate the unknowns many of you are facing. This recent message went straight into my Don’t Give Up binder:
“Rachel, I read your latest Plant a Pause love letter, and it made me realize you have given me so many resources that have grown me and made me a better “human-kind” 🩷. Each book, author, poet you introduced me to has made my heart softer, rounder, more resilient, more receptive, more ready to risk my love being received, and believing in the goodness of my own light. Your handprint has touched my heart, your words have served, your practices have prepared.”
My friends, thank you for your continued support of my work through personal notes, a book purchase, a paid subscription, an Only Love Today retreat sign up, or simply sharing my essay with someone. It all matters. 🩷
💐 The Plant a Pause Spring Series continues in April! So far, there are four soothing installments + a restorative treehouse teaching on: 1) what gifting peace to your inner world looks like in practical ways, and 2) the exact dialogue I used to encourage my daughters to listen to and trust their protective inner guidance and set boundaries.
🌱Plant a Pause: Seashell Edition (free)
🌱Plant a Pause: Pet Edition
🌱Plant a Pause: Rejection Edition
🌱Plant a Pause: Flow, Not Force Edition
🌳🪜 March Treehouse Teaching
It is never too late to learn and it is never too late to create a new reality for ourselves! I've seen it time and time again in you Rachel, you grow through everything you go through and you lay out these beautiful pathways for each of us to become more full and embodied versions of ourselves. Our feelings are always messengers indeed! ❤️
I am grateful for the ways we are all walking beside each other in this difficult time.
I snapped a photo of a daffodil in an unexpected place on a bike ride last week. 🥰 I will try to figure out how to post it here.
Small pauses are “saving my life” right now. I realized the other day that putting my 9- and 12-year-old kids to bed is a form of meditation and showing love. The way I was raised, they are really too old for me to put toothpaste on their toothbrushes and bring my daughter hot chocolate in bed and make them s’mores in the microwave, but it connects us and so it’s worth it.