I Battled Rejection by Reaching for My 3-Ring Binder

And in the process, I helped my daughter get back her birthday

Earlier this summer, I received an influx of rejections:

…we’ve decided to put the fall launch of Soul Shift in paperback on hold

…your retreat registration numbers aren’t what they usually are

…we’d love to publish your children’s book, but we are not able to at this time

…there’s not enough interest in your community trip; it needs to be cancelled

Having been in a dark place due to perceived career “failures” before, I felt myself sliding into an abyss of self-doubt.

Before the dark thoughts became self-sabotaging behaviors, I needed to buoy myself with tangible proof that those rejections don’t define me, nor are they indicative of my future.

With unexpected clarity, I knew what I needed to do.

An idea had been nagging me ever since I got my very first paid subscriber back in January. For those who aren’t familiar, Substack has this special feature where a paid subscriber can share with the writer why they chose to financially support them. The messages I have received over the past seven months are the things people might say about me at my funeral:

• “I support your work because the books you write and the creative work you put into the world have gotten me through some of my darkest days.” -E

• “I support your work because I have never come across anyone so real. I found it helped me be real as well. You have a unique ability to connect with many people. I don't know what I would do without you.” -J

• “You are like an old friend, sitting next to me at the table. The words you write are often the exact message I need at that moment. So much so, that I'm frequently left wondering, ‘How did she know?’” -B

• "Rachel, you have soothed my soul after losing my mom 2.5 years ago and provided wisdom when my youngest son was struggling with depression. You helped me to pause and really listen to my loved ones. Plus, you introduced me to Noah Kahan!” -M

• "I support your work because you speak to my heart and put things into words that I didn't even know I needed to hear. Your writing makes my life better." -A

• “I recently read a Facebook post encouraging people to consider who their ‘inner mother’ voice was. I realized when I hear a kind, gentle encouraging mother voice in my head — it's Rachel's voice. Her writing sustains my soul." -G

• "Your writing always feels like you are speaking directly to me. It's helping me to find the joy in life again and uncover my true self." -P

• "Rachel, your vulnerability and commitment to helping others through your story has changed my life." -R

These are words of my future eulogy. How incredible I get to hear these messages before I die. And how incredible the power these messages possess to keep my light alive. By having them at my fingertips, I knew I could keep doubt at bay and belief alive.

With my older daughter’s help, we compiled all the subscriber notes in my writer dashboard on Substack and printed them out. As Natalie helped assemble the messages into plastic sheet protectors, she read them out loud. Hearing the impact of my work spoken in Natalie’s voice was deeply meaningful.

The last step was designing a cover for the binder, which my tech-savvy daughter happily did for me. Giving it a title was easy:

Don’t Give Up Notes

Every single day this summer, I reached for my soul-building binder. Sometimes all it took was reading a couple notes to remind me of my inherent worth and feel motivated to keep trying. When a new subscriber left me a message, it brought me joy to display it in my binder rather than have it stay hidden inside my computer.

As I was starting to feel a sense of optimism settle into my bones, I noticed signs of sadness in my younger daughter, Avery. Ever since a traumatic event in the summer of 2021, this downturn occurs before the start of every school year. Because it falls right before her birthday, she has not wanted to celebrate. Initially, her wishes were hard for me to accept. The first year she wanted to forgo a celebration, I went ahead with the typical fanfare. Ignoring her wishes caused pain, and I promised my daughter that from then on, I’d respect how she wanted to mark her birthday.

Last week, I was overjoyed when Avery announced a very specific birthday request. She wished for a strawberry cake with cream cheese frosting and a special meal with her family.

As I was looking through recipes for homemade strawberry cake, I felt a strong nudge to create an encouragement binder for Avery. It was her 18^th birthday, which meant the start of adulthood and eventually leaving home. How incredible it would be to have personal affirmations right at her fingertips when she needed them.

I sent out this quick text to family members and close friends:

“Hi there! I’m making a special gift for Avery’s 18th birthday and was hoping to get 18 responses to this prompt: What I love most about Avery is…”

As the heartfelt responses came in, I put them in a small, pink binder. I designed a cover and title page that reflected the contents and contributors.

On Sunday night, after our family enjoyed her birthday meal of choice (fettucine alfredo), I announced that before we cut the cake and open gifts, I had a little game for her.

On the kitchen table, I laid out the names of those who contributed to the secret book and explained that each of them told me what they love most about her.

“I am going to read their responses, and you get to guess who said what,” I said.

Avery’s genuine smile revealed that she loved this “game” before it even started. But once it began and she heard the very specific ways in which she brightens people’s lives, something else happened…

Her smile turned to shock…

then tears…

then relief…

then joy… pure, all-encompassing, healing joy.

That’s when it dawned on me: Avery didn’t know the impact of her presence or the depth of her gifts until given a chance to see herself through the eyes of those who love her.

I think this is true for many of us.

Avery’s 18^th birthday binder holds the kinds of things that would be spoken during her eulogy. Thankfully, she got to hear them while she is still here - and just beginning adulthood. How incredible to think these affirmations may keep her light alive when sadness surfaces. How incredible to think this book may have reverted her birthday back to what it was before 2021 — a day of joy and celebration.

My beloved friends, I decided to share these two very personal stories today in hopes they inspire you to never hold back an encouragement.

In a world where rejection is rampant, telling people what you love about them matters.

In terms of a human being’s life, it can mean the difference between choosing to continue and choosing to stop.

Let me just say, your presence makes me want to continue.

Thank you for holding my hand. The love and support you give me always ripples out, and this week it made Avery’s 18^th birthday so very special.

My hand in yours,
Rachel

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🌄 A NOTE ON BATTLING REJECTION:

I’ve decided to reframe my “lowest registration number ever” for my October Soul Shift retreat as my “highest potential for joy and connection ever”.

With fewer people comes greater ease in getting to know one another, being more comfortable to share from our hearts, which will result in increased growth, healing, and joy. Small can be mighty – and I believe this experience is a once in a lifetime event.

If you don’t want to miss out, please register here as soon as you can. There are several other workshops going on at the center that weekend and housing is limited. Registration starts at $747, which includes workshop tuition, room & board, movement classes, and unlimited supplies of mountain air and stunning views. I recently acquired a link for friends and family to receive $100 off any Art of Living Retreat. Feel free to email me at rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com if you would like that that link.

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🌳 OUR NEXT TREEHOUSE GATHERING:

As promised, our next treehouse gathering is happening during daytime hours so international friends can attend. Please mark your calendars for Friday, August 23 at 12pm Eastern. I will send out the Zoom link to paid subscribers next week. I am so grateful for the feedback I received on last week’s treehouse gathering where I shared ways to cope during times of change and transition and read from several books that helped me over the summer. I had so much fun being with you!