That video brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful and what a lovely story.
I can't believe how timely this post has been for me. All my life since my granddad died when I was 12 and no one cried at the funeral I've felt like I haven't had permission to grieve when people close to me have died. Just last week traumatic memories of a painful loss from my teenage years resurfaced and I found 20+ years of suppressed grief coming to the surface for a baby that I never got to hold in my arms. At around the same time I went to a funeral for a close family friend and for the first time felt permission to cry. It's like the chains have been broken. Though now the floodgates have opened and I'm crying all the time but it feels good in a way - so freeing.
Thanks for sharing so openly about not feeling validated and not having the right to closure because I can relate in so many ways.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think this will help a lot of people who haven’t connected the dots between how expressing feelings was modeled to them and how that shaped their beliefs on expressing emotion. You have articulated an awareness here that is incredibly healing. I’m so grateful you are allowing yourself permission to mourn in the way that feels authentic and cathartic to you. I’m so grateful for your offering here today.
I am so glad. My response comes from this particular moment when I am asking myself why write...it's more work than I realized to put out writing regularly...why tell any story....and your post reminds me..
Emotions and closure. I’m not very good at denying my emotions. They pour from my being, happy, sad, proud - tears. Reminders of my feelings.
Before Christmas this year I received a text from my son at school “John died.” His teacher. My son attends a public high school in unique setting. For 3 years he’s had a group of 4 teachers who work beside students with a unique curriculum. It’s a very special place. Anyway, John had cancer and died at 58 and it was sad.
“No one talks about it at school mom. He’s just gone. “ My son told me weeks later. Last weekend we attended the Celebration of Life together- although he was skeptical about going at all. Story after story was told. It was sad and happy. We laughed and cried. And in the end my son found some closure by hearing all those special words and seeing the outpouring of emotions about a special person. Healing started by moving forward.
This story moved me to tears. To know you and your son are out there, living amongst us fills me with such hope. Thank you for being a safe place for your son to express himself. Thank you for taking him to John's Celebration of LIfe. Thank you for holding the most important pieces of life up for us to see here today.
“No one talks about it mom. I just want to close the door and move on.” Emotions can be painful. But in see others love and hearing stories and sharing sadness, there was the beginning of closure. He was glad he went. Thank you for giving me space to share this story. Mead School District Design Studio staff and students are all healing after losing one of their own. ❤️
Thank you for this wonderful post, Rachel! As I started reading, Mama J stories you had shared in previous posts immediately came flooding back. I felt myself hoping and praying that you received answers and closure as I continued to read. I’m so glad you received closure that you were very much worthy of. Everyone deserves closure in any situation, if that’s what they need. The visual that the activities director gave you was quite peaceful and love filled, wasn’t it? Mama J in her heavenly home is such a beautiful thing… And to think, you and Avery will see her again, someday, and Mama J will remember your names! What an amazing reunion that will be! 💗
I thought I'd cried all my tears for Mama J and then I read your beautiful message. Oh how I cried and cried reading these words: "And to think, you and Avery will see her again, someday, and Mama J will remember your names!"
Wow. I don't even know how to express what a gift your message is to me today.
Rachel, that was so beautifully written and I hope one day when it’s my time, I find a beautiful voice. I closed my eyes and enjoyed. You have a beautiful daughter with a servant heart ♥️
I am a greeter at church and I noticed someone missing each week, so it’s my mission to find out how he is doing.
" I noticed someone missing each week, so it’s my mission to find out how he is doing."
This brought me tears. To notice someone's absence - is there anything more important we can do for each other? I don't think so. Thank you, dear Noticer. You are a rare and precious gift to this world (words I said to Avery when she was 5... you made me think of them because that is what you are.)
Thanks to you Rachel, I have long called my now almost 8-year-old son “our noticer.” As well as come to recognize this trait in myself. Thank you for the gift of awareness of the gift.
I was suddenly sad when you questioned your "right" to closure with Mama J. My immediate response was "Of course you are!!" Closure is not a "right" of only family or close friends. Lovingly closing a chapter of your own life or of a relationship is a healthy way to honor the person or situation while allowing yourself to move forward.
"Lovingly closing a chapter of your own life...is a healthy way to honor the person or situation while allowing yourself to move forward." These words just spoke to my heart because the word grief has come up a lot lately and where I am at in my current life journey, I think there is grief for moving on into the next chapter of who I am. As I go on this journey of discovery...the changes the evolution, grief must be a natural part of it. Feel it, be with it, and know it is okay. Now trust the next chapter and step through the fear.
You came to mind as I was watching the video yesterday (with tears). You always celebrated this musical girl and your words today touch me deeply. “Finding her way” … yes… this makes my heart rejoice. Thank you for seeing both of us. I love you.
Thank you for sharing this story. I’m crying as I write this because my cat is dying. She’s not even 5 years old yet and I expected to have many more years of her sweet cuddles, but she has tumors and has lost interest in food now. It’s incredibly sad and hard to know with our 4 legged family what to do in these situations. I’m savoring every minute with her and knowing that my love for her was received. I was her safe person (she was a feral rescue). 💔💔💔
Oh sweet Jodi, I am so sorry. What you are going through reminds me of my beloved cat Callie. She, too, was a feral rescue & developed tumors and passed away at age 6. I promised her we would live out her days with joy but also that I would try very hard to notice (and trust) when it was time for her to go. Although it was difficult say the words out loud, I knew when it was time, and there was a service that came to the owner's house. I laid with her on the bathroom floor petting her and thanking her as she drifted off to sleep.
Please know that I understand this love you feel and how sad you are that your time with your sweet girl is ending far sooner than you expected. This is incredibly hard on your heart. Be tender with yourself. Hugs to you both.
Thank you for your kind response. Yes, I’ve written in my gratitude journal about her almost every day for years, but especially today, acknowledging my gratitude for her love and connection.
I so appreciate your compassion, your posts, your reminders 💜
I cried within the the first few lines of reading this. Tears just began running down my face, and I hadn't even gotten to the good stuff yet. I thought I guess this is what I needed today.
Today has been one of those days of internal conflict and dialogue around your exact thought "Questioning whether I had a right to the emotional feelings I was having." The closure and loss I am feeling these towards isn't towards another person, it is myself. The journey of change, self discovery, and self love I am realizing is really a lot of grieving. I am just coming to realize this recently. With it comes big emotions, questioning, etc. Your words at the end "Wanting closure is normal, wanting emotional pain, loss, and grief to end is normal." Because "Wanting to hold on to something that was once important to you is normal." My old self was important to me for so many years, it was me. But I also know that parts of that person are no longer needed, and I am receiving so many more gifts through the lens of love and slowing down. But with it comes emotions of trust, will it be okay? I am learning that in order to process I must let all emotions know they are valid and welcome. I can join your club of being sensitive and wear the badge proudly, because it allows me to know I am alive because I feel! Have you seen the Disney movie "Inside Out"? We are watching it right now as a family. We haven't gotten to the end, but I am realizing sadness/grief/frustration are maybe the greatest gifts we can receive because they allow us to grow and notice. I don't know if I would have the same growth if I wasn't "too sensitive".
Oh Cory, this beautiful reflection is such a dot connector for me. You articulated things I didn't know I was feeling until I read your words. This part here really got my head nodding: "But with it comes emotions of trust, will it be okay? I am learning that in order to process I must let all emotions know they are valid and welcome."
I have seen the movie "Inside Out" multiple times and loved it so much. It was so validating, especially seeing the role of Sadness. She helped me embrace that part of myself better. Thank you for mentioning that movie in case someone hasn't seen it! It goes perfectly with the theme of this post! Thank you, dear Cory. Your comments are like GOLD to me every single time.
Cory, I loaned Inside Out to our family friend (who's also my wonderful therapist) several years ago and she said it should be required watching for all humans-such an important message! And a sequel is coming :)
Oh Megan you are so right!!! I know my mom told me last night the sequel is coming out and I was so ecstatic!
We have implemented family movie night every night for about an hour before bed. They have mainly been Disney movies. The messaging in them is absolutely amazing to me now as I watch them through a different life lens. Have you seen Elemental? I think it is also powerful like Inside Out.
I have not but I will put it on the list! My kids are 21 and 18 and we still like Disney movies :) The last time my daughter was home from school we watched live action Cinderella together !
Rachel, that is such a beautiful piece of writing! I am sorry to hear that your daughter lost her singing and I send healing wishes your way. May her heart‘s sadness one day find its way into a song.
When you asked if you are allowed to grieve a lady who did not even know your names I was reminded to a childhood memory of mine. My father was a pastor in the countryside and so I accompanied him regularly as a kid for funerals to play my flute to help him keep the tune (my father was a terrible singer!) and thus help the little flock of grievers to sing. One day I was playing at a windy cemetery in the country close to the Polish border right at the open grave. “It smelled so sad” out there. And so the sad tune I played and the sad people around, keeping the very serious and thus emotionless German attitude, just squeezed my heart so badly I started to cry. So loudly and so unconsolable as I would carry all the grief of all the people gathering at the grave side. I did not know the person who died, and I did not know any one there. But I was crying a river for them!
So yes, grieve mother J and the memories she gifted to your family 🙏
Almut, I feel like your comment should be a book of exquisite short stories. In one tiny paragraph, you described a moment in time that has the power to heal the disconnect that ails us. What a beautiful, empathetic child you were. I am so grateful that beautiful part of you is still alive and well. Thank you so much for sharing your story today.
Thank you for your inspiration, Rachel ! May be I will get up the courage to write short stories one day. There would be a bunch! Nice hanging out in your tree house 🙏
Oh my gosh Rachel! When I was just reading this post through your email, I got goosebumps when you told us that Mama Jo’s family was with her when she passed away. Thank you for sharing that! I feel happy knowing that she truly did have family that loved her. Avery was just her extra special visitor 😇😇😇
But then when the video started to play, I saw the date on the calendar! Nov 9, 2019! Tears really started pouring because I love hearing Avery sing AND November 9th is my birthday. I feel like that video speaks to me too. ❤️ Seeing Mama J in her bed singing along with Avery is the sweetest thing! She reminds me of my grandmother Wilhelmina. My grandma’s birthday was November 10th, so she always remembered my birthday 😁 I saw my grandmother alive for the last time at the nursing home for our birthdays in 2005. She passed away on January 1, 2006 at 89 years old.
The synchronicity of your birth date and the way you always were so encouraging to Avery over the years is quite remarkable. I do not think it is a coincidence, dear Donna. You are love to our family... again and again and again.
Oh. This is so neat. I didn’t pay attention to the date. My birthday is Nov 9th as well. I just shared above about how I spread my mom’s ashes on my birthday in 2023.
So beautiful, this soul-balming video of a beautiful and heart-rich young lady, and as always, so beautiful your words Rachel. I’ve always been “too much,” too invested, too involved. I have also always had to “know.” This morning (again) the floodgates opened on a crushing grief (involving my precious teenage son) that is my daily companion. It’s a situation (and therefore a grief) without closure, and as I texted to a friend today, is “tearing open the grief wound again and again so it can never heal.” Your post was so very timely, making this grief a little bit more bearable, just knowing how deeply you understand the pain when this need for closure is not met. I truly thank God that you feel so deeply, Rachel, otherwise you would not possess nearly the riches with which you so beautifully touch the world.
Your comment, even the unsaid words, reached deep inside my heart. I longed to take a walk with you and confide in one another. Once you go through something heart-wrenchingly painful with your teen, you have this newfound compassion for other parents; you just want to hug them and say, "You are not alone."
I hope you feel my hug today, Rebecca. You are not alone.
Rachel, thank you so much for the love and empathy I felt so deeply reading your reply. Years ago I sent you an email while going through heartache with my now 23-year-old (now thankfully in recovery from a long road of addiction) and you took the time to respond. It meant the world to me then, and it does now, as I experience a different heartache with my 15-year-old son. I’m currently struggling with a debilitating neurological movement disorder and other chronic illnesses myself, while trying to care for my youngest two (7 and 6 year old sons) and working to finally complete my economics degree at nearly 50. It all often feels “too much” as well. It is moments like these, when you’ve reached across the miles to, in your uniquely tender and genuine way, somehow truly make me feel your offered hug. On what had began as an incredibly difficult day, first your initial post, and now your reply, have given me real comfort and solace. I am truly grateful. Know of my prayers for you and sweet Avery.
Crying. My nemesis for what seemed like a hundred years. I have softened to my own need for feeling my own feelings. And know now that this is a good thing for me. Not a sign of the world ending, or pain never ending, or me ending. It fact I've learned, it's quite the opposite.
I teach painting classes in skilled nursing facilities and find this experience that you and Avery have shared relatable. It's natural and easy to slide into the place where we put ourselves in the middle of what is happening when we really should be observers, and it's also natural to want things to make sense (which is why I think we center ourselves). We can absolutely want resolution around our emotions, and we deserve that. I have to remind myself that even though I feel that tug, in a situation like this I'm not at the center of the wheel. I'm not even a spoke. I'm rotating around on the outside edge, spinning in someone else's story. Eventually I'll have my own resolution.
Rachel, this is a moment filled with pure joy. I know that Mama J is gone, and I’m sorry about that, but this memory and all the others you have will be yours and Avery’s forever to revisit whenever you want. And I’m sure that the happiness that Mama J felt when you guys visited her, she took with her.
That video brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful and what a lovely story.
I can't believe how timely this post has been for me. All my life since my granddad died when I was 12 and no one cried at the funeral I've felt like I haven't had permission to grieve when people close to me have died. Just last week traumatic memories of a painful loss from my teenage years resurfaced and I found 20+ years of suppressed grief coming to the surface for a baby that I never got to hold in my arms. At around the same time I went to a funeral for a close family friend and for the first time felt permission to cry. It's like the chains have been broken. Though now the floodgates have opened and I'm crying all the time but it feels good in a way - so freeing.
Thanks for sharing so openly about not feeling validated and not having the right to closure because I can relate in so many ways.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think this will help a lot of people who haven’t connected the dots between how expressing feelings was modeled to them and how that shaped their beliefs on expressing emotion. You have articulated an awareness here that is incredibly healing. I’m so grateful you are allowing yourself permission to mourn in the way that feels authentic and cathartic to you. I’m so grateful for your offering here today.
that is so beautiful...and thank you for remembering Mama J to us, you bring her alive and enrich us with her essence. Isn't that amazing?
Gosh, I am so touched by your words. What you have offered feels like a gift.
I am so glad. My response comes from this particular moment when I am asking myself why write...it's more work than I realized to put out writing regularly...why tell any story....and your post reminds me..
Tears of gratitude over here. Let’s keep reminding each other ok? 🤝
ah, it's not even 10:30am and I've already made someone cry. (in a heart opening way). it's a good day on planet Earth.
Ellen, any story told that helps even one person is a story worth telling-keep writing!
Emotions and closure. I’m not very good at denying my emotions. They pour from my being, happy, sad, proud - tears. Reminders of my feelings.
Before Christmas this year I received a text from my son at school “John died.” His teacher. My son attends a public high school in unique setting. For 3 years he’s had a group of 4 teachers who work beside students with a unique curriculum. It’s a very special place. Anyway, John had cancer and died at 58 and it was sad.
“No one talks about it at school mom. He’s just gone. “ My son told me weeks later. Last weekend we attended the Celebration of Life together- although he was skeptical about going at all. Story after story was told. It was sad and happy. We laughed and cried. And in the end my son found some closure by hearing all those special words and seeing the outpouring of emotions about a special person. Healing started by moving forward.
This story moved me to tears. To know you and your son are out there, living amongst us fills me with such hope. Thank you for being a safe place for your son to express himself. Thank you for taking him to John's Celebration of LIfe. Thank you for holding the most important pieces of life up for us to see here today.
“No one talks about it mom. I just want to close the door and move on.” Emotions can be painful. But in see others love and hearing stories and sharing sadness, there was the beginning of closure. He was glad he went. Thank you for giving me space to share this story. Mead School District Design Studio staff and students are all healing after losing one of their own. ❤️
Thank you for this wonderful post, Rachel! As I started reading, Mama J stories you had shared in previous posts immediately came flooding back. I felt myself hoping and praying that you received answers and closure as I continued to read. I’m so glad you received closure that you were very much worthy of. Everyone deserves closure in any situation, if that’s what they need. The visual that the activities director gave you was quite peaceful and love filled, wasn’t it? Mama J in her heavenly home is such a beautiful thing… And to think, you and Avery will see her again, someday, and Mama J will remember your names! What an amazing reunion that will be! 💗
I thought I'd cried all my tears for Mama J and then I read your beautiful message. Oh how I cried and cried reading these words: "And to think, you and Avery will see her again, someday, and Mama J will remember your names!"
Wow. I don't even know how to express what a gift your message is to me today.
Rachel, that was so beautifully written and I hope one day when it’s my time, I find a beautiful voice. I closed my eyes and enjoyed. You have a beautiful daughter with a servant heart ♥️
I am a greeter at church and I noticed someone missing each week, so it’s my mission to find out how he is doing.
" I noticed someone missing each week, so it’s my mission to find out how he is doing."
This brought me tears. To notice someone's absence - is there anything more important we can do for each other? I don't think so. Thank you, dear Noticer. You are a rare and precious gift to this world (words I said to Avery when she was 5... you made me think of them because that is what you are.)
Thanks to you Rachel, I have long called my now almost 8-year-old son “our noticer.” As well as come to recognize this trait in myself. Thank you for the gift of awareness of the gift.
I was suddenly sad when you questioned your "right" to closure with Mama J. My immediate response was "Of course you are!!" Closure is not a "right" of only family or close friends. Lovingly closing a chapter of your own life or of a relationship is a healthy way to honor the person or situation while allowing yourself to move forward.
So beautifully said! Thank you for this confirmation of my heart.
"Lovingly closing a chapter of your own life...is a healthy way to honor the person or situation while allowing yourself to move forward." These words just spoke to my heart because the word grief has come up a lot lately and where I am at in my current life journey, I think there is grief for moving on into the next chapter of who I am. As I go on this journey of discovery...the changes the evolution, grief must be a natural part of it. Feel it, be with it, and know it is okay. Now trust the next chapter and step through the fear.
I love listening to little Avery again. And I love that she's finding her way. And I love you and every word you write. XO
You came to mind as I was watching the video yesterday (with tears). You always celebrated this musical girl and your words today touch me deeply. “Finding her way” … yes… this makes my heart rejoice. Thank you for seeing both of us. I love you.
Thank you for sharing this story. I’m crying as I write this because my cat is dying. She’s not even 5 years old yet and I expected to have many more years of her sweet cuddles, but she has tumors and has lost interest in food now. It’s incredibly sad and hard to know with our 4 legged family what to do in these situations. I’m savoring every minute with her and knowing that my love for her was received. I was her safe person (she was a feral rescue). 💔💔💔
Oh sweet Jodi, I am so sorry. What you are going through reminds me of my beloved cat Callie. She, too, was a feral rescue & developed tumors and passed away at age 6. I promised her we would live out her days with joy but also that I would try very hard to notice (and trust) when it was time for her to go. Although it was difficult say the words out loud, I knew when it was time, and there was a service that came to the owner's house. I laid with her on the bathroom floor petting her and thanking her as she drifted off to sleep.
Please know that I understand this love you feel and how sad you are that your time with your sweet girl is ending far sooner than you expected. This is incredibly hard on your heart. Be tender with yourself. Hugs to you both.
Thank you for your kind response. Yes, I’ve written in my gratitude journal about her almost every day for years, but especially today, acknowledging my gratitude for her love and connection.
I so appreciate your compassion, your posts, your reminders 💜
I cried within the the first few lines of reading this. Tears just began running down my face, and I hadn't even gotten to the good stuff yet. I thought I guess this is what I needed today.
Today has been one of those days of internal conflict and dialogue around your exact thought "Questioning whether I had a right to the emotional feelings I was having." The closure and loss I am feeling these towards isn't towards another person, it is myself. The journey of change, self discovery, and self love I am realizing is really a lot of grieving. I am just coming to realize this recently. With it comes big emotions, questioning, etc. Your words at the end "Wanting closure is normal, wanting emotional pain, loss, and grief to end is normal." Because "Wanting to hold on to something that was once important to you is normal." My old self was important to me for so many years, it was me. But I also know that parts of that person are no longer needed, and I am receiving so many more gifts through the lens of love and slowing down. But with it comes emotions of trust, will it be okay? I am learning that in order to process I must let all emotions know they are valid and welcome. I can join your club of being sensitive and wear the badge proudly, because it allows me to know I am alive because I feel! Have you seen the Disney movie "Inside Out"? We are watching it right now as a family. We haven't gotten to the end, but I am realizing sadness/grief/frustration are maybe the greatest gifts we can receive because they allow us to grow and notice. I don't know if I would have the same growth if I wasn't "too sensitive".
Oh Cory, this beautiful reflection is such a dot connector for me. You articulated things I didn't know I was feeling until I read your words. This part here really got my head nodding: "But with it comes emotions of trust, will it be okay? I am learning that in order to process I must let all emotions know they are valid and welcome."
I have seen the movie "Inside Out" multiple times and loved it so much. It was so validating, especially seeing the role of Sadness. She helped me embrace that part of myself better. Thank you for mentioning that movie in case someone hasn't seen it! It goes perfectly with the theme of this post! Thank you, dear Cory. Your comments are like GOLD to me every single time.
Cory, I loaned Inside Out to our family friend (who's also my wonderful therapist) several years ago and she said it should be required watching for all humans-such an important message! And a sequel is coming :)
Oh Megan you are so right!!! I know my mom told me last night the sequel is coming out and I was so ecstatic!
We have implemented family movie night every night for about an hour before bed. They have mainly been Disney movies. The messaging in them is absolutely amazing to me now as I watch them through a different life lens. Have you seen Elemental? I think it is also powerful like Inside Out.
I have not but I will put it on the list! My kids are 21 and 18 and we still like Disney movies :) The last time my daughter was home from school we watched live action Cinderella together !
Rachel, that is such a beautiful piece of writing! I am sorry to hear that your daughter lost her singing and I send healing wishes your way. May her heart‘s sadness one day find its way into a song.
When you asked if you are allowed to grieve a lady who did not even know your names I was reminded to a childhood memory of mine. My father was a pastor in the countryside and so I accompanied him regularly as a kid for funerals to play my flute to help him keep the tune (my father was a terrible singer!) and thus help the little flock of grievers to sing. One day I was playing at a windy cemetery in the country close to the Polish border right at the open grave. “It smelled so sad” out there. And so the sad tune I played and the sad people around, keeping the very serious and thus emotionless German attitude, just squeezed my heart so badly I started to cry. So loudly and so unconsolable as I would carry all the grief of all the people gathering at the grave side. I did not know the person who died, and I did not know any one there. But I was crying a river for them!
So yes, grieve mother J and the memories she gifted to your family 🙏
Almut, I feel like your comment should be a book of exquisite short stories. In one tiny paragraph, you described a moment in time that has the power to heal the disconnect that ails us. What a beautiful, empathetic child you were. I am so grateful that beautiful part of you is still alive and well. Thank you so much for sharing your story today.
Thank you for your inspiration, Rachel ! May be I will get up the courage to write short stories one day. There would be a bunch! Nice hanging out in your tree house 🙏
Oh my gosh Rachel! When I was just reading this post through your email, I got goosebumps when you told us that Mama Jo’s family was with her when she passed away. Thank you for sharing that! I feel happy knowing that she truly did have family that loved her. Avery was just her extra special visitor 😇😇😇
But then when the video started to play, I saw the date on the calendar! Nov 9, 2019! Tears really started pouring because I love hearing Avery sing AND November 9th is my birthday. I feel like that video speaks to me too. ❤️ Seeing Mama J in her bed singing along with Avery is the sweetest thing! She reminds me of my grandmother Wilhelmina. My grandma’s birthday was November 10th, so she always remembered my birthday 😁 I saw my grandmother alive for the last time at the nursing home for our birthdays in 2005. She passed away on January 1, 2006 at 89 years old.
God Bless Mama J! 101 years old 😳😳WOW!! 🩵🩵🩵🩵
The synchronicity of your birth date and the way you always were so encouraging to Avery over the years is quite remarkable. I do not think it is a coincidence, dear Donna. You are love to our family... again and again and again.
Hence the goosebumps and the tears. You are like “family by choice” because I can relate to you so much. 🩵🩵🩵
November 9th is my birthday as well.
Awww, kindred spirits. 1967 here 💛
Mine too!!
Oh. This is so neat. I didn’t pay attention to the date. My birthday is Nov 9th as well. I just shared above about how I spread my mom’s ashes on my birthday in 2023.
So beautiful, this soul-balming video of a beautiful and heart-rich young lady, and as always, so beautiful your words Rachel. I’ve always been “too much,” too invested, too involved. I have also always had to “know.” This morning (again) the floodgates opened on a crushing grief (involving my precious teenage son) that is my daily companion. It’s a situation (and therefore a grief) without closure, and as I texted to a friend today, is “tearing open the grief wound again and again so it can never heal.” Your post was so very timely, making this grief a little bit more bearable, just knowing how deeply you understand the pain when this need for closure is not met. I truly thank God that you feel so deeply, Rachel, otherwise you would not possess nearly the riches with which you so beautifully touch the world.
Your comment, even the unsaid words, reached deep inside my heart. I longed to take a walk with you and confide in one another. Once you go through something heart-wrenchingly painful with your teen, you have this newfound compassion for other parents; you just want to hug them and say, "You are not alone."
I hope you feel my hug today, Rebecca. You are not alone.
Rachel, thank you so much for the love and empathy I felt so deeply reading your reply. Years ago I sent you an email while going through heartache with my now 23-year-old (now thankfully in recovery from a long road of addiction) and you took the time to respond. It meant the world to me then, and it does now, as I experience a different heartache with my 15-year-old son. I’m currently struggling with a debilitating neurological movement disorder and other chronic illnesses myself, while trying to care for my youngest two (7 and 6 year old sons) and working to finally complete my economics degree at nearly 50. It all often feels “too much” as well. It is moments like these, when you’ve reached across the miles to, in your uniquely tender and genuine way, somehow truly make me feel your offered hug. On what had began as an incredibly difficult day, first your initial post, and now your reply, have given me real comfort and solace. I am truly grateful. Know of my prayers for you and sweet Avery.
Crying. My nemesis for what seemed like a hundred years. I have softened to my own need for feeling my own feelings. And know now that this is a good thing for me. Not a sign of the world ending, or pain never ending, or me ending. It fact I've learned, it's quite the opposite.
YES! I love your revelation so much. To FEEL is to BEGIN.
Wow! So beautifully said!!! Nothing is ending! Thanks for that gift!
This is a really beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it. ❤️
I teach painting classes in skilled nursing facilities and find this experience that you and Avery have shared relatable. It's natural and easy to slide into the place where we put ourselves in the middle of what is happening when we really should be observers, and it's also natural to want things to make sense (which is why I think we center ourselves). We can absolutely want resolution around our emotions, and we deserve that. I have to remind myself that even though I feel that tug, in a situation like this I'm not at the center of the wheel. I'm not even a spoke. I'm rotating around on the outside edge, spinning in someone else's story. Eventually I'll have my own resolution.
This is an astute observation. Thank you for sharing this. It opens my eyes and heart too.
Rachel, this is a moment filled with pure joy. I know that Mama J is gone, and I’m sorry about that, but this memory and all the others you have will be yours and Avery’s forever to revisit whenever you want. And I’m sure that the happiness that Mama J felt when you guys visited her, she took with her.
What a treat to have your loving presence and radiant light here in the treehouse, friend. Thank you for these kind words.