Seeing My Body As Good

Lessons from my daughter (part 2)

When Natalie was twelve, I raised a ceramic casserole dish above my head and smashed it down on the kitchen counter.

I still remember the way she startled as jagged shards flew across the room. Hurriedly, Natalie finished washing off her plate and ran out of the kitchen.

When I calmed down, I took the stairs to her bedroom, one heavy step at a time. The self-hatred and shame I carried felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

What are you passing on to your children? I chastised myself.

My apology to Natalie was so painfully sincere that it came out as an epiphany and a confession all at once.

“I didn’t handle my emotions very well because I haven’t been taking good care of myself,” I admitted.

Natalie’s response surprised me. She said, “Sometimes when I am tired or hungry and someone gets in my face, I am like, ‘Grrrrrr!’ It’s like I forget the other person has feelings.”

It was an astute connection between self-care and emotional regulation – but even more so, it helped me realize where I’d been lacking.

Sometimes I forget I have feelings.
Sometimes I forget I have needs.
Sometimes I forget I have limits.
Sometimes I ignore them.
Sometimes I deny them.
Sometimes I power though them, until I can’t anymore.
That is when I break down.

Pulling out a used medical textbook that her grandma got from a rummage sale, Natalie eagerly opened it up to a highlighted page. Apparently, she’d been doing her research and was full of suggestions.

“When’s the last time you got eight hours of sleep, Mama?” she asked curiously. “You definitely need to drink more water. Have you considered drinking herbal tea instead of soda? I can make you some, Mama. Any kind you want.”

At age twelve, Natalie taught me she was paying attention to how I was taking care of myself. I didn’t want to let her down.

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When Natalie was sixteen, I subtly stopped nourishing myself.

The initial months of the pandemic caused life to feel like it was spiraling out of control. Natalie was the one who noticed me reverting to old, damaging coping mechanisms, which manifested in mistreating my physical self.

That Christmas Natalie gave me what I needed. Inside the plain brown paper tied with a teal ribbon was a framed hand lettered list of body positive affirmations written by Brittany Woodard, Registered Dietitian Nutritionist.

Natalie’s gift offered me a new way to talk to myself about my body.

My parents, who were watching us open gifts via Zoom, asked me to read the art out loud. Scott and Avery nodded enthusiastically. 

I looked to Natalie, the one who saw my issues in a way no one else did. In her big, brown eyes was a message of encouragement, as if to say, “It’s ok. You have nothing to hide.”

In my bravest voice, I read the seven affirmations out loud as my family listened supportively.

When I was finished, I looked up to see a look of unmistakable hope on Natalie’s face – hope that I might one day perceive myself the way she had seen me all along. Perfectly imperfect.

At age sixteen, my daughter taught me she was paying attention to how I was talking to myself. I didn’t want to let her down.

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In the fall of 2023, the officials at Natalie’s college announced the school was in severe financial distress and may be forced to shut its doors in May. As a means of channeling her stress and anxiety, Natalie began training for her first triathlon. When she selected the race location that was six hours from home, I was the one she asked to accompany her.

A few notable things about that trip were: how she packed a cooler of nutritious snacks, along with some of our other favorites… how she researched a wonderful place for dinner, telling me not to worry about deciding between the coconut cake and the crème brûlée because we could try both… and how she made sure we were back to the hotel in time to get at least eight hours of sleep. It was clear Natalie had taken her own advice at age twelve and was now quite skilled at practicing intuitive self-care.

On the day of the triathlon, Natalie and I got acclimated to the area and made our way down to the lake where the mile swim would take place. I wondered out loud how I could keep track of her once she was out in the water with all the triathletes in identical swim caps. I wished she could give me some kind of sign, yet I knew that would be impossible in the middle of a race.

With my hands shielding the sun from my eyes, I noticed someone with excellent swimming form starting to the pass the men who started three minutes earlier than the women participants. As this proficient swimmer made the turn, a small hand stopped mid-stroke to wave at me.

It was Natalie giving me a sign.

Tears began to stream down my face.

As someone who has struggled for decades to see her body as good, I know I have failed my children in this area. But in that moment, I realized a monumental truth that gave me hope; maybe it will give you hope too…

Having issues isn’t the problem; hiding the issues is.

I didn’t hide my struggles; I let someone in… and that gave me a lifeline to healing.

At age twenty, my daughter taught me she was paying attention to how she wanted to show up in the world: strong, capable, confident, nourished, healthy. She didn’t let herself down, and I was her witness.

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On June 21^st, Natalie turns twenty-one. To celebrate this landmark birthday, she is going to compete in her second triathlon, this time in Tennessee. I am the one she has invited to come along. Natalie has already decided she will have Berry Chantilly Cake to celebrate after the race. I can’t wait to join in. Because of her, I can confidently say my body is good, and I am worthy of savoring every sweet bite of this life.

At age fifty-two, I will not let myself down.

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📝 Prompts to ponder on your own or in the supportive treehouse comment section:

·      How do you plan to show your body kindness and care this weekend?

·      What activities make you feel good about your body?

·      How has your relationship with your body changed over the years?

·      What does your body do that you’re grateful for?

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❤️ Coming up… in tomorrow’s post there will be a copy of the affirmations Natalie gifted me in 2020, as well as several more I have developed and come to rely on. These body acceptance affirmations will be in written form, but I will also record myself reading them so you can listen to them all summer long. This series will be for paid subscribers.

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⛰️ If overcoming your inner critic and self-limiting beliefs is something you would like to make significant progress towards, please consider joining me at my fall Soul Shift retreat in North Carolina on October 4-6. Past participants has this to say:

• “What Rachel gave me was a way to be kinder to myself.”

• “The retreat was magical and just what my soul needed. Movement. Meditation. Healthy food (prepared by someone else). Nature walks. Bonfire. Reflection. Inspiration. Amazing views.”

• “I came to realize that just skirting the surface of the practices Rachel teaches is so incredibly different from taking a break from all the other things in life and spending time really focused on learning and growing.”

• “The Soul Shift retreat changed my life. Even with my crippling shyness and introversion, I was somewhere I felt loved and seen. I still carry that feeling with me and try to pass it on to others when I can.”
  

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🌳❤️ Please save the date for our next Treehouse gathering on Zoom! I invite you to climb the ladder for connection and encouragement on Wednesday, June 5th at 12:30pm Eastern. I will send the Zoom link out next week with the body acceptance affirmations.