I love you know the power of sharing our stories and the invaluable need for your girls to share with one another what the aftermath story was they were each telling themselves. To foster and create a safe space so the girls’ words could be shared and know that in their telling of their stories something is shifted and sorted differently in their bodies.
After we speak our stories our bodies no longer hold our stories they same. We embody the story in a new way going forward, room is made for more love, more ease and peace and more joy. Room is made for the chapter to continue writing a softer, more compassionate ending to our story. Then that is one, the softer one, which will be become the more remembered one.
This new narrative we write now is a necessary part of the healings, it holds medicine so we may find a way forward in our families. The telling of the story differently can give us a new way through the hard and the heart-aching. The words and the way we tell the story matters as we seek to mend and repair the rupture. The weight of what we say can greatly influence the way this story gets woven into our family story and our bodies.
How beautiful a space you hold in your family love, the hope that healing and happy are always a theme that can be written anew and holding a posture of grace that it is always possible to create new endings to old chapters.
Beloved Debby, while reading your beautiful wisdom about the power of telling our stories, I saw myself in this situation in a new way. I remember how badly my heart raced as I held space for their conversation. I remember how sweat dripped down my back. I remember praying that I was doing the right thing by allowing them to speak their painful truths. And through your words, I feel proud of myself... confrontation and conflict are things I used to avoid at all costs. I mistakenly believed I wasn't strong enough to handle them. But over time, I came to know that was a limiting belief... it wasn't my truth... and here you are today, showing up exactly where my strength lies and how that strength helped my family. Debby, I can't tell you how many times you have helped me make an important connection within myself. Your contribution to this space and to my life is a gift that keeps on giving. I love you.
I want to highlight these beautiful words so I can come back to them again and again:
"After we speak our stories our bodies no longer hold our stories they same. We embody the story in a new way going forward, room is made for more love, more ease and peace and more joy. Room is made for the chapter to continue writing a softer, more compassionate ending to our story. Then that is one, the softer one, which will be become the more remembered one."
I agree with you on the importance of speaking our stories- I see it so often with people who have experienced trauma. But I love they way you put it- I can feel a release in my body after discussing!!
Oh, Rachel, this is so beautiful! I am seeing a small win with my middle, Addie, who has been having the summer of her life- going to church retreats and camps, vacations, sleepovers, still working by babysitting many days, but mostly gone from the house. Heading in to the summer of her senior year, while we are happy for her, we miss her and want to see her. My husband doesn’t have the best way of showing this- when she comes in the door after being gone for a day or so, he will say something to the effect of, “Well thank you for gracing us with your presence!” even though he really is so happy to see her, or he will tell people in the family that she is “partying all summer”, which to her sounds negative (she isn’t “partying” in the way some might think he means- she is hanging out with friends and having fun, and really doing other important things.) I have been working to cut him off immediately by saying as soon as I see her with a bright smile and a big hug, “Addie!! It’s so good to see you! How was the sleepover? Who was there? What did you guys do?” I got a great hug back and lots of fun stories. I have learned this from your writings, and also from an essay that Kerry Foreman wrote, that we should never guilt our teens like that, or make them feel badly about not being around, and that has stuck with me, and has been so useful. Addie even came to me and said something to the effect of- “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much” and then something that broke my heart a little, “I didn’t think that you guys really cared if I was home or not.” 🥺🥺🥺 To be honest, we have all had a really busy summer, so I can see why she has felt that way. BUT, we did have a great visit to Ball State (which I do think she’s choosing!!) and have 2 more college visits planned in the near future. I look forward to those being times to reconnect and get back to being grounded firmly in love.
Thank you for sharing this GOLD nugget of wisdom that you have acquired (I will be sure to tell Kerry) and how that looks in your home. I was just thinking the other day how I learn best from examples - and the examples you provided (plus the actual words you use to greet Addie when she's been gone) are extremely helpful! Your husband is so lucky that you are able to model how to reframe her being away from home as a POSITIVE. We are experiencing the same thing with our youngest but we can remember the summer days when she didn't/couldn't leave her bed. To see her out and about with 2 genuine friends brings tears to my eyes. It feels like an answer to prayer.
I am so excited to think of Addie at Ball State University! You know I grew up in Muncie and walked across the campus everyday after school for over a decade to go to my dad's office. Ball State is an exceptional school with SOOO many opportunities, especially for the field Addie is going into! Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your life with our community today, Carrie. I appreciate you so much.
SO grateful for the guidance- don’t want to think about where I’d be without it! I know!! I always think of your dad when we are discussing Ball State. I’m trying to encourage Addie to take the 4 extra classes to get a dual major in elementary education and special education!!
Congrats to your daughter. As a educator, I agree with you so keep encouraging those extra 4 classes. With give her a better understanding in the classroom and open more opportunities for her if she chooses
Carrie I love how your eyes shine bright when your girl returns home and how you blanket your husband’s response in a softer, sweeter way. Your girl is blessed to have a momma who SEES her, celebrates her and finds ways to accompany her in her becoming fully “ Addie”. She is blessed to have one like you Carrie who cares so deeply for your daughter.
Wow just wow to all of this. I need to re read and reprocess this as it touches on some very similar situations with my teen girls and family. I appreciate you sharing so openly and honestly. Your vulnerability always amazes me and always makes me admire you even more. It’s incredibly helpful and so much more. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t tell you how happy I am to see the growth and healing for your girls and your family. 💗💗
To assess the damage without fixing or fixating on it.
To see a hopeful future without denying reality.
To mourn the loss without living in it.
These words of yours so clearly describe the process I have gone through with my son. Thank you so much for expressing it so beautifully! It is a mantra I will use to stay grounded and remember what I have learned as it is so easy to forget when things are going OK. After 13 really tough years my son is 18 and moving towards independence. Our relationship is connected. He trusts me to be there for him but also knows we will set limits. I have gotten in the habit of saying that right now we are in a smooth patch. I am trying to embrace the idea that life is only smooth patches and rough patches. When we expect things to go well we are then filled with dismay and resistance when things are hard. The unfulfilled expectations, the pushing away what is, causes the most suffering.
"I have gotten in the habit of saying that right now we are in a smooth patch. I am trying to embrace the idea that life is only smooth patches and rough patches. When we expect things to go well we are then filled with dismay and resistance when things are hard. The unfulfilled expectations, the pushing away what is, causes the most suffering."
Monica, I can't stop thinking about this idea of being in a smooth patch. It resonates so deeply with me and gives me words to something I have been lacking right now.
When you leave a comment, I see your face that offered such love during my CA retreat and my MA retreat. Your eyes are bright and your heart is open. I am so grateful you are my friend.
I was visiting with a close friend today, and we were discussing how hard it is for most people to sit with the tension of hard, painful emotions. Most of us flee from them, because humans are hard-wired to do so. We wince and flinch in the face of suffering. We numb it, deny it, ignore it, medicate it.
What you did - what you are doing - is entering into the caverns of the human condition with your daughters. You are doing the hard thing, because it's the right thing.
I think of a book I read years ago by Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, when she shares a time she went spelunking and the metaphor of the cave for her inner life and growth.
So much good springs forth from darkness, but we cannot perceive it in the moment. We catch glimmers, as you have with the pickleball game, but these often happen in flashes rather than long stretches of time.
Learning to walk in the dark, to me, means we return to a state of healthy dependence on the people we trust - interdependence, if you will, which is neither strict independence nor codependency - and we hold their hand, or allow them to hold ours. There's a guidance, a gentle leading where we figure out, step by step, how to make our way through the caves that we fear may swallow us.
Your motto - "my hand in yours" - brings about imagery of trusted companions guiding each other through the caves of pain, hardship, and suffering. It takes a special person to make this journey with, because most of us don't know how or don't want to cope with the inevitable adversities we all face.
I want you to know what a powerful witness and example you are of this accompaniment, Rachel. And I want to thank you for being that rare person. I also want you to know that I feel a similar call, mission, purpose, to walk with people in their pain and do so in a way that is encouraging and honest. I strongly believe that honesty paves the way for us to view our hardships clearly while encouragement gives us the ability to cling to hope when we are struggling.
Rachel, if you ever need a friend who knows what it's like to navigate the really tough problems, I want you to know I am here.
Maybe one day you and I might collaborate in some way to bring about this type of light and hope to the people in dire and desperate need of it. ❤️
I keep trying to pick out the paragraph in this masterpiece that struck me most profoundly and it is every single one! Jeannie, I want to print this whole passage out! I want to read it every day and think of the cave metaphor and how you see me as both a witness and an example of a trusted companion. Your affirmation of what I have (am) doing for my daughters is one I will carry with me forever. I am adding this to my special notebook called "Don't Give Up" that I recently made. You help me not give up in ways I cannot explain. I am having some financial struggles due to my income not being enough to exist on... it makes me so sad that I am having to think about possibly switching careers or trying to get a second job. When I read your words, I feel like there is hope that I can continue writing as my livelihood. Thank you for listening... for caring... for just being HERE.
Rachel, you and I are in a similar situation. I have been struggling so much financially for a few years - after I walked away from the religious freelance writing and speaking I was doing (which I explain on my Substack essay from last Friday). I've spoken with my husband Ben about getting a different job, which makes my heart dejected, because I love writing and speaking and know I am gifted in these areas. It's hard to know what to do. I just want you to know that I feel a certain sort of kinship with you, a special camaraderie, and I know there's a friendship budding somewhere in that. Please know you are not alone in this dark place - the cave of figuring out what's next - and I am with you in that place of grappling. Truly. I am here. Maybe it is you and I who are holding each other's hands in the cave. Sending you ❤️.
I believe you and I both have beautiful, important gifts to share with the world through our skill with the written word... it makes me incredibly sad that we are both struggling to keep our heads above water as we offer those gifts. Yesterday, I felt like I was literally drowning. I was able to catch a breath when I read your words and listened to BROTHER by NeedtoBreathe. It is one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world. I have the acoustic version and it makes me cry. Thank you for leading me to that music yesterday. My hand in yours always.
Rachel, let's remember we're not alone. You and I are walking a similar path and we can be stronger together. I believe in you. Read the affirmations in your notebook when your thoughts darken. I have a cheap spiral notebook labeled AFFIRMATIONS that I add to (sounds like you do this, as well) when someone offers me words of encouragement. I revisit these words and receive them as a healing salve when I'm struggling.
Feel free to reach out to me when you're wrestling with those nagging doubts. Writers, and creative people in general, have a unique call and spirit and we need each other. We need to lift each other up, strengthen each other, rally for each other. I'm here for you, friend, just like in the song, Brother. (Only I'll substitute "sister" ☺️).
Rachel, one more thought: I heard a song on the radio station my daughter Sarah selected yesterday when we were driving to her neurology appointment. It’s called “Brother” by the band NEEDTOBREATHE. I instantly thought of your essay here, the image that came to me about what you wrote, and the aftereffects on my heart, and wanted to share the lyrics with you:
Ramblers in the wilderness
We can't find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador
Is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside 'em
Shining like a lighthouse from the sea
CHORUS: Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you're low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Face down in the desert now
There's a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
As a fellow multiple occurrence of family trauma sufferer, your words are so meaningful. Today these words : I stopped holding on to the way things used to be (hindering the flow of life), and began accepting things the way they actually were (a posture conducive to healing and growth). Acceptance and open honest conversations are so hard to embrace and act upon, but so important here too! A small win I had this weekend was learning my college senior middle daughter’s comfort level with questions and touching base a few weeks ago and respecting it. And we had a nice conversation by phone yesterday as a result.
Thank you for this meaningful contribution to such a complex topic. Your example of learning what feels comfortable to your daughter regarding questions/communication and how you heard her and honored her comfort level is really profound. Thank you for this offering. Thank you for your presence.
Oh, this fills my heart! My small win, is that I am seeing results from my concerted effort to connect with actual people, directly, whether in person, by phone, or by text, rather than through social media. It's making a huge difference to me.
This is so powerful - in so many ways. Thank you for sharing it. For telling the story that we may feel hope and learn, yet protecting them and their hearts at the same time. ❤️
Thank you, dear Amanda, for noticing the fine line I am navigating to honor stories that are not mine to tell while assuring fellow parents out there they are not alone.
Your presence along this journey - particularly in my most devastating times - has made a difference. I am grateful for you, Amanda.
"And I am celebrating this as a win." A BIG win indeed. And not just the healing between your two beautiful daughters, but the courageous patience and hope you displayed in focusing on the longer game - your family's narrative. Love it!
I think of you every time we get out on the pickleball court. I was hoping this story would reach you and make you smile. Love you with my whole heart.
I have been following you for at least 7 years and find your posts so powerful, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. My family went through a medical crisis that started on 6/4/22. It will be a lifelong medical condition for my son just starting out on his life journey (he is 17 now). On 1/11/23, he received a beautiful gift that will help him for many years, but it took he and I away from home for several months. Ever since we have come back home, the family dynamic has been irreversibly changed. All of us have had different reactions to the change and it has been a struggle. Having a family conversation about it sounds like such a great idea to help us heal and move forward, but I don’t even know how to begin that. It is hard right now to even get the three of us to sit down for dinner and have a pleasant conversation. Any suggestions for me on how to start down this healing path? Thank you for your words of wisdom and courage.
Hi Teresa, I am so sorry to hear of the painful journey you have been navigating alongside your son. I am so grateful he received a gift that will help him for many years. It sounds like you were such a loving, dedicated companion to him during that scary, difficult time. I was my daughter's chosen companion through her medical ordeal with scoliosis and therefore, I missed other things that were happening in the family (and also with her emotionally, which then led to the crisis in 2021). I had to come to a place where I recognized that I am one person and I could only do so much. I found compassion (and forgiveness) for myself and for everything I had been through too. Our children are not the only ones who have been traumatized by these events. The best thing I did was begin therapy and learn how to be more compassionate towards myself and overcome some of the damaging coping mechanisms that were my default response in times of stress. I wrote all about this in my fifth book, Soul Shift, if you happen to have a copy or could borrow it from the library.
It does sound like a family talk might not be right for your family right now... but that doesn't mean in time that it won't be. As you work on the healing inside yourself, you will be contributing to the healing of your entire family unit. You will become skilled at communicating and moderating when tensions arise. Today, I published an essay her on my Substack on what HELPS at the onset of crisis and what doesn't. The essay was sent to paid subscribers due to the personal nature of it & the effort it required, but if you need me to send it to you at no cost, just send me an email to rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
Please know hope doesn't work on a timeline -- and sometimes we can't see it happening -- but it is there. The fact that you are willing to nurture the fractures is truly significant. I see light ahead.
Thank you, Sharon. I have read your comment several times, and each time I soak up what you are communicating to me and the tears flow. It feels so healing to be able to offer something hopeful & beautiful from something that was so hard & painful. To read that my words brought understanding like "a box of lightbulbs just lit up" is something I am going to keep in my heart forever. I hope that the realization you have made continues to feel like a lifeline in your healing process. My hand in yours, dear one.
And what a beautiful win this is Rachel!
I love you know the power of sharing our stories and the invaluable need for your girls to share with one another what the aftermath story was they were each telling themselves. To foster and create a safe space so the girls’ words could be shared and know that in their telling of their stories something is shifted and sorted differently in their bodies.
After we speak our stories our bodies no longer hold our stories they same. We embody the story in a new way going forward, room is made for more love, more ease and peace and more joy. Room is made for the chapter to continue writing a softer, more compassionate ending to our story. Then that is one, the softer one, which will be become the more remembered one.
This new narrative we write now is a necessary part of the healings, it holds medicine so we may find a way forward in our families. The telling of the story differently can give us a new way through the hard and the heart-aching. The words and the way we tell the story matters as we seek to mend and repair the rupture. The weight of what we say can greatly influence the way this story gets woven into our family story and our bodies.
How beautiful a space you hold in your family love, the hope that healing and happy are always a theme that can be written anew and holding a posture of grace that it is always possible to create new endings to old chapters.
Love wins!
Beloved Debby, while reading your beautiful wisdom about the power of telling our stories, I saw myself in this situation in a new way. I remember how badly my heart raced as I held space for their conversation. I remember how sweat dripped down my back. I remember praying that I was doing the right thing by allowing them to speak their painful truths. And through your words, I feel proud of myself... confrontation and conflict are things I used to avoid at all costs. I mistakenly believed I wasn't strong enough to handle them. But over time, I came to know that was a limiting belief... it wasn't my truth... and here you are today, showing up exactly where my strength lies and how that strength helped my family. Debby, I can't tell you how many times you have helped me make an important connection within myself. Your contribution to this space and to my life is a gift that keeps on giving. I love you.
I want to highlight these beautiful words so I can come back to them again and again:
"After we speak our stories our bodies no longer hold our stories they same. We embody the story in a new way going forward, room is made for more love, more ease and peace and more joy. Room is made for the chapter to continue writing a softer, more compassionate ending to our story. Then that is one, the softer one, which will be become the more remembered one."
I agree with you on the importance of speaking our stories- I see it so often with people who have experienced trauma. But I love they way you put it- I can feel a release in my body after discussing!!
Oh, Rachel, this is so beautiful! I am seeing a small win with my middle, Addie, who has been having the summer of her life- going to church retreats and camps, vacations, sleepovers, still working by babysitting many days, but mostly gone from the house. Heading in to the summer of her senior year, while we are happy for her, we miss her and want to see her. My husband doesn’t have the best way of showing this- when she comes in the door after being gone for a day or so, he will say something to the effect of, “Well thank you for gracing us with your presence!” even though he really is so happy to see her, or he will tell people in the family that she is “partying all summer”, which to her sounds negative (she isn’t “partying” in the way some might think he means- she is hanging out with friends and having fun, and really doing other important things.) I have been working to cut him off immediately by saying as soon as I see her with a bright smile and a big hug, “Addie!! It’s so good to see you! How was the sleepover? Who was there? What did you guys do?” I got a great hug back and lots of fun stories. I have learned this from your writings, and also from an essay that Kerry Foreman wrote, that we should never guilt our teens like that, or make them feel badly about not being around, and that has stuck with me, and has been so useful. Addie even came to me and said something to the effect of- “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much” and then something that broke my heart a little, “I didn’t think that you guys really cared if I was home or not.” 🥺🥺🥺 To be honest, we have all had a really busy summer, so I can see why she has felt that way. BUT, we did have a great visit to Ball State (which I do think she’s choosing!!) and have 2 more college visits planned in the near future. I look forward to those being times to reconnect and get back to being grounded firmly in love.
Thank you for sharing this GOLD nugget of wisdom that you have acquired (I will be sure to tell Kerry) and how that looks in your home. I was just thinking the other day how I learn best from examples - and the examples you provided (plus the actual words you use to greet Addie when she's been gone) are extremely helpful! Your husband is so lucky that you are able to model how to reframe her being away from home as a POSITIVE. We are experiencing the same thing with our youngest but we can remember the summer days when she didn't/couldn't leave her bed. To see her out and about with 2 genuine friends brings tears to my eyes. It feels like an answer to prayer.
I am so excited to think of Addie at Ball State University! You know I grew up in Muncie and walked across the campus everyday after school for over a decade to go to my dad's office. Ball State is an exceptional school with SOOO many opportunities, especially for the field Addie is going into! Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your life with our community today, Carrie. I appreciate you so much.
SO grateful for the guidance- don’t want to think about where I’d be without it! I know!! I always think of your dad when we are discussing Ball State. I’m trying to encourage Addie to take the 4 extra classes to get a dual major in elementary education and special education!!
Congrats to your daughter. As a educator, I agree with you so keep encouraging those extra 4 classes. With give her a better understanding in the classroom and open more opportunities for her if she chooses
Thank you for the assurance, Andrea!!! I will pass this along!! 💙💙💙
Carrie I love how your eyes shine bright when your girl returns home and how you blanket your husband’s response in a softer, sweeter way. Your girl is blessed to have a momma who SEES her, celebrates her and finds ways to accompany her in her becoming fully “ Addie”. She is blessed to have one like you Carrie who cares so deeply for your daughter.
This is a beautiful affirmation, Debby.
Awwwww- thank you, Debby! This means so much!! ❤️❤️❤️
Wow just wow to all of this. I need to re read and reprocess this as it touches on some very similar situations with my teen girls and family. I appreciate you sharing so openly and honestly. Your vulnerability always amazes me and always makes me admire you even more. It’s incredibly helpful and so much more. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t tell you how happy I am to see the growth and healing for your girls and your family. 💗💗
Love you, Andrea!
To assess the damage without fixing or fixating on it.
To see a hopeful future without denying reality.
To mourn the loss without living in it.
These words of yours so clearly describe the process I have gone through with my son. Thank you so much for expressing it so beautifully! It is a mantra I will use to stay grounded and remember what I have learned as it is so easy to forget when things are going OK. After 13 really tough years my son is 18 and moving towards independence. Our relationship is connected. He trusts me to be there for him but also knows we will set limits. I have gotten in the habit of saying that right now we are in a smooth patch. I am trying to embrace the idea that life is only smooth patches and rough patches. When we expect things to go well we are then filled with dismay and resistance when things are hard. The unfulfilled expectations, the pushing away what is, causes the most suffering.
"I have gotten in the habit of saying that right now we are in a smooth patch. I am trying to embrace the idea that life is only smooth patches and rough patches. When we expect things to go well we are then filled with dismay and resistance when things are hard. The unfulfilled expectations, the pushing away what is, causes the most suffering."
Monica, I can't stop thinking about this idea of being in a smooth patch. It resonates so deeply with me and gives me words to something I have been lacking right now.
When you leave a comment, I see your face that offered such love during my CA retreat and my MA retreat. Your eyes are bright and your heart is open. I am so grateful you are my friend.
I am so thrilled that this idea of a "smooth patch" resonated with you!
So grateful for you and your work!
❤️🤝
Rachel,
I was visiting with a close friend today, and we were discussing how hard it is for most people to sit with the tension of hard, painful emotions. Most of us flee from them, because humans are hard-wired to do so. We wince and flinch in the face of suffering. We numb it, deny it, ignore it, medicate it.
What you did - what you are doing - is entering into the caverns of the human condition with your daughters. You are doing the hard thing, because it's the right thing.
I think of a book I read years ago by Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark, when she shares a time she went spelunking and the metaphor of the cave for her inner life and growth.
So much good springs forth from darkness, but we cannot perceive it in the moment. We catch glimmers, as you have with the pickleball game, but these often happen in flashes rather than long stretches of time.
Learning to walk in the dark, to me, means we return to a state of healthy dependence on the people we trust - interdependence, if you will, which is neither strict independence nor codependency - and we hold their hand, or allow them to hold ours. There's a guidance, a gentle leading where we figure out, step by step, how to make our way through the caves that we fear may swallow us.
Your motto - "my hand in yours" - brings about imagery of trusted companions guiding each other through the caves of pain, hardship, and suffering. It takes a special person to make this journey with, because most of us don't know how or don't want to cope with the inevitable adversities we all face.
I want you to know what a powerful witness and example you are of this accompaniment, Rachel. And I want to thank you for being that rare person. I also want you to know that I feel a similar call, mission, purpose, to walk with people in their pain and do so in a way that is encouraging and honest. I strongly believe that honesty paves the way for us to view our hardships clearly while encouragement gives us the ability to cling to hope when we are struggling.
Rachel, if you ever need a friend who knows what it's like to navigate the really tough problems, I want you to know I am here.
Maybe one day you and I might collaborate in some way to bring about this type of light and hope to the people in dire and desperate need of it. ❤️
Your hand in mine, my heart with yours.
I keep trying to pick out the paragraph in this masterpiece that struck me most profoundly and it is every single one! Jeannie, I want to print this whole passage out! I want to read it every day and think of the cave metaphor and how you see me as both a witness and an example of a trusted companion. Your affirmation of what I have (am) doing for my daughters is one I will carry with me forever. I am adding this to my special notebook called "Don't Give Up" that I recently made. You help me not give up in ways I cannot explain. I am having some financial struggles due to my income not being enough to exist on... it makes me so sad that I am having to think about possibly switching careers or trying to get a second job. When I read your words, I feel like there is hope that I can continue writing as my livelihood. Thank you for listening... for caring... for just being HERE.
Rachel, you and I are in a similar situation. I have been struggling so much financially for a few years - after I walked away from the religious freelance writing and speaking I was doing (which I explain on my Substack essay from last Friday). I've spoken with my husband Ben about getting a different job, which makes my heart dejected, because I love writing and speaking and know I am gifted in these areas. It's hard to know what to do. I just want you to know that I feel a certain sort of kinship with you, a special camaraderie, and I know there's a friendship budding somewhere in that. Please know you are not alone in this dark place - the cave of figuring out what's next - and I am with you in that place of grappling. Truly. I am here. Maybe it is you and I who are holding each other's hands in the cave. Sending you ❤️.
I believe you and I both have beautiful, important gifts to share with the world through our skill with the written word... it makes me incredibly sad that we are both struggling to keep our heads above water as we offer those gifts. Yesterday, I felt like I was literally drowning. I was able to catch a breath when I read your words and listened to BROTHER by NeedtoBreathe. It is one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world. I have the acoustic version and it makes me cry. Thank you for leading me to that music yesterday. My hand in yours always.
Rachel, let's remember we're not alone. You and I are walking a similar path and we can be stronger together. I believe in you. Read the affirmations in your notebook when your thoughts darken. I have a cheap spiral notebook labeled AFFIRMATIONS that I add to (sounds like you do this, as well) when someone offers me words of encouragement. I revisit these words and receive them as a healing salve when I'm struggling.
Feel free to reach out to me when you're wrestling with those nagging doubts. Writers, and creative people in general, have a unique call and spirit and we need each other. We need to lift each other up, strengthen each other, rally for each other. I'm here for you, friend, just like in the song, Brother. (Only I'll substitute "sister" ☺️).
Rachel, one more thought: I heard a song on the radio station my daughter Sarah selected yesterday when we were driving to her neurology appointment. It’s called “Brother” by the band NEEDTOBREATHE. I instantly thought of your essay here, the image that came to me about what you wrote, and the aftereffects on my heart, and wanted to share the lyrics with you:
Ramblers in the wilderness
We can't find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador
Is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside 'em
Shining like a lighthouse from the sea
CHORUS: Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you're low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Face down in the desert now
There's a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can't reach that far
I ain't made for a rivalry
I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong
But it's your love that brings me home
CHORUS
And when you call
And need me near
Sayin' where'd you go?
Brother, I'm right here
And on those days
When the sky begins to fall
You're the blood of my blood
We can get through it all
CHORUS x2
You just knew I needed this yesterday.
As a fellow multiple occurrence of family trauma sufferer, your words are so meaningful. Today these words : I stopped holding on to the way things used to be (hindering the flow of life), and began accepting things the way they actually were (a posture conducive to healing and growth). Acceptance and open honest conversations are so hard to embrace and act upon, but so important here too! A small win I had this weekend was learning my college senior middle daughter’s comfort level with questions and touching base a few weeks ago and respecting it. And we had a nice conversation by phone yesterday as a result.
Thank you for this meaningful contribution to such a complex topic. Your example of learning what feels comfortable to your daughter regarding questions/communication and how you heard her and honored her comfort level is really profound. Thank you for this offering. Thank you for your presence.
❤️ Holding onto Hope with you!
Grateful for your words, as always.
We've been in crisis mode since mid May dealing with dementia and scammers and safety (lack of, really)
Thank you so much. 💜🫂
jen
Sending so much love, Jen. It sounds like you have been through a lot.
Oh, this fills my heart! My small win, is that I am seeing results from my concerted effort to connect with actual people, directly, whether in person, by phone, or by text, rather than through social media. It's making a huge difference to me.
This is beautiful. May we all follow your lead!
This is so powerful - in so many ways. Thank you for sharing it. For telling the story that we may feel hope and learn, yet protecting them and their hearts at the same time. ❤️
Thank you, dear Amanda, for noticing the fine line I am navigating to honor stories that are not mine to tell while assuring fellow parents out there they are not alone.
Your presence along this journey - particularly in my most devastating times - has made a difference. I am grateful for you, Amanda.
"And I am celebrating this as a win." A BIG win indeed. And not just the healing between your two beautiful daughters, but the courageous patience and hope you displayed in focusing on the longer game - your family's narrative. Love it!
It always makes me so happy to see you pop in! Hugging you in my mind, love.
I love that pickleball is in your subtitle and a part of your beautiful family now. XOXO
I think of you every time we get out on the pickleball court. I was hoping this story would reach you and make you smile. Love you with my whole heart.
Dear Rachel,
I have been following you for at least 7 years and find your posts so powerful, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. My family went through a medical crisis that started on 6/4/22. It will be a lifelong medical condition for my son just starting out on his life journey (he is 17 now). On 1/11/23, he received a beautiful gift that will help him for many years, but it took he and I away from home for several months. Ever since we have come back home, the family dynamic has been irreversibly changed. All of us have had different reactions to the change and it has been a struggle. Having a family conversation about it sounds like such a great idea to help us heal and move forward, but I don’t even know how to begin that. It is hard right now to even get the three of us to sit down for dinner and have a pleasant conversation. Any suggestions for me on how to start down this healing path? Thank you for your words of wisdom and courage.
Hi Teresa, I am so sorry to hear of the painful journey you have been navigating alongside your son. I am so grateful he received a gift that will help him for many years. It sounds like you were such a loving, dedicated companion to him during that scary, difficult time. I was my daughter's chosen companion through her medical ordeal with scoliosis and therefore, I missed other things that were happening in the family (and also with her emotionally, which then led to the crisis in 2021). I had to come to a place where I recognized that I am one person and I could only do so much. I found compassion (and forgiveness) for myself and for everything I had been through too. Our children are not the only ones who have been traumatized by these events. The best thing I did was begin therapy and learn how to be more compassionate towards myself and overcome some of the damaging coping mechanisms that were my default response in times of stress. I wrote all about this in my fifth book, Soul Shift, if you happen to have a copy or could borrow it from the library.
It does sound like a family talk might not be right for your family right now... but that doesn't mean in time that it won't be. As you work on the healing inside yourself, you will be contributing to the healing of your entire family unit. You will become skilled at communicating and moderating when tensions arise. Today, I published an essay her on my Substack on what HELPS at the onset of crisis and what doesn't. The essay was sent to paid subscribers due to the personal nature of it & the effort it required, but if you need me to send it to you at no cost, just send me an email to rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com.
Please know hope doesn't work on a timeline -- and sometimes we can't see it happening -- but it is there. The fact that you are willing to nurture the fractures is truly significant. I see light ahead.
Thank you, Sharon. I have read your comment several times, and each time I soak up what you are communicating to me and the tears flow. It feels so healing to be able to offer something hopeful & beautiful from something that was so hard & painful. To read that my words brought understanding like "a box of lightbulbs just lit up" is something I am going to keep in my heart forever. I hope that the realization you have made continues to feel like a lifeline in your healing process. My hand in yours, dear one.
Sharon, thanks for sharing this. 💕