Loose-Leaf Letter #1

it’s not a stretch to finally get what you so freely give

Photo by Carl Newton on Unsplash

How did I miss it?

In 2021, I faced a hard truth. While I was busy handling the logistics of my daughter’s intensive treatment for scoliosis (starting at age eleven), I missed the emotional trauma the condition had inflicted.

And in missing it, I missed the signs of a full-blown crisis that came at age fourteen.

How did I miss it?

I agonized over that question for many months until I realized that was not only cruel and unwarranted self-punishment, but it was also unhelpful to the current situation.

That is when I began replacing the question ‘how did I miss it?’ with ‘how can we recover from it?’

Focusing on what could still be done was far more productive than obsessing over what wasn’t done in the past. This healing perspective is something I’ve learned this through my on-going Soul Shift work. Implementing a daily practice of Being Kind to Myself was the sole reason I was able to move from self-condemnation to self-compassion with regards to the lapse I made in my child’s medical journey. With compassion as my guiding force, I felt assured I would approach things differently if I ever had the chance.

This fall, I got my chance. A visit to urgent care on August 31 set off a life-changing medical event for my husband, Scott.

Because of my experience with Avery, I knew where all the imaging centers and hospitals were across the metropolitan area –and more importantly, I knew how to navigate their parking garages! I knew shortcuts for making appointments and best times to schedule. I knew when to leave messages for the nurses and when to go a different route.

And because of what I missed before, I knew the importance of seeing beyond the medical logistics to the human condition.

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During a meeting with one of my husband’s surgeons, I found myself on the verge of tears. As the surgeon detailed the upcoming surgery and the possible outcomes, I realized how precarious this surgery was.

Afterwards, Scott and I rode the elevator down to the lobby in silence. Remembering what I’d learned from my child’s experience, I took several deep breaths instead of blurting out my thoughts and fears.

In the parking lot, Scott took my hand.  

“How did you feel about our meeting with the surgeon?” I asked, holding my own emotions in check.

His response surprised me. He said something along the lines of: “It wasn’t as bad as I expected.”

For the first time in weeks, my husband spoke optimistically about what was ahead. Although there were still so many unknowns, he expressed relief in having a plan.

That enlightening conversation reminded me not to assume my loved one felt the same way I did upon hearing new information; it was important to ask open-ended questions, as well as pay attention to non-verbal clues about his emotional state. I vowed to let my husband take the lead, and when he couldn’t, I would be there to support him.

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During a low point, when I detected my love was struggling, I made Irish Lemon Pudding. Growing up, my mom would often make this treat when I needed to feel warmth and love from the outside in.

The pudding came out of the oven looking like a masterpiece. I watched with relief as Scott swallowed the soft treat with ease and thoroughly enjoyed it. When I tasted it, I was disappointed. The pudding didn’t taste at all like I remembered it.

It wasn’t until talking with my friend, Krystle Cobran, a few days before the New Year that I understood why.

I’d been telling Krystle about the challenges of the past few months. In true Krystle fashion, she leaned into the hard stuff, acknowledging the unspoken pain by listening carefully to what I said (and didn’t say).

I had tried to shift the conversation away from me when Krystle gently said:

“Wait… I just want to acknowledge how hard this period must have been for you, the care-GIVER. When the focus is on the person who is unwell, it’s easy to overlook the struggle of the person who is supporting them.”

That moment marked the first time I cried throughout the ordeal.

After we hung up, it dawned on me – the pudding didn’t taste the way I remembered because I was not on the receiving end; I was on the giving end. I didn’t taste comforting goodness because I was so focused on Scott’s wellbeing, keeping up commitments, worrying about finances, and managing uncertainties about the future.

Since missing the human side of my child’s medical ordeal, I have tried so hard not to miss a thing. And to my credit, I don’t think I’ve missed much… except maybe my own wellbeing.

That all changed earlier this month when I announced my shift from social media to Substack as a home for all my new content.

For the first time in nearly a decade, I was free from the pressure to produce daily content, clever sound bites, and viral memes.  

Instead of reaching for my laptop each morning, I reached for my toes—not a quick stretch but a whole sequence of lower body stretches led by a gentle-voiced instructor on a soothing app.

The first time I got up from the mat after a full 20-minute stretch, I felt looser, lighter, happier, freer. I felt like I was walking in a new body. With a quick Google search, I discovered why I felt so alive.

“Studies have shown that stretching can decrease activation of the sympathetic nervous system (the "fight or flight" system) and increase activation of the parasympathetic nervous system (the "rest and digest" system). Regular stretches help your body release all that pent-up stress.” (source)

Pent-up stress. Boy, I sure have a lot of that.

My body has been screaming for a proper stretching routine for years! My body knew what it needed as I cared for my child, my family, and my partner. It’s taken me some time to listen, but I am listening now.

I know in my heart of hearts this is the first of many discoveries I am going to make in this new space. Moving to Rachel’s Treehouse is an act of care in itself. With less noise and urgency from the outside world of social media, I can hear my own voice and better care for myself.

My friend, now it is your turn. I hand my first loose-leaf letter over to you with a few prompts to ponder, journal, or type in the comments of this safe space:

• What have the past few years looked like for you in terms of care-giving vs. care-receiving?

• Do you have symptoms of pent-up stress? (i.e.; becoming easily agitated, feeling overwhelmed, having a hard time relaxing and quieting your mind, low energy, headaches, tense muscles, inability to focus, constant worrying)

• Where do you feel stress in your body right now?

• What is one thing you can do today to relieve stress and/or take care of yourself?

My friend, perhaps it’s time to receive care from the one person who faithfully shows up for everyone else: YOU.

In her new book, Remember Love, Cleo Wade writes:

“Liking and loving ourselves is our greatest responsibility. It gives us the power to walk in the world, honest and alive.”

Have you ever thought about loving yourself as your greatest responsibility? That changes things, doesn’t it?

After the frightening health event my family went through last fall, I know that to walk in the world “honest and alive” is a priceless gift – and I will not squander it.

Take my hand if you’d like to join me.

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Upcoming opportunities to care for ourselves in community:

1. Our first Loft Lounge Session on Zoom is happening on Tuesday, January 16 at 8pm EST. Let’s come together and talk about what it might look like, feel like, and sound like to “stretch” towards true self-care in 2024. I’ll be leading the call from a quiet space with lit candles and quotes from my favorite books. I’ll be wearing soft pants with a cup of warm tea in hand and a “do not disturb” sign on the door. I invite you to do the same! The monthly Loft Lounge Sessions in Rachel’s Treehouse are a chance to breathe, connect, and nourish the roots of what matters most. Meeting times and days of the week will vary so everyone has a chance to participate. If you are a free subscriber and would like to experience community through Loft Lounge Sessions, you can upgrade your subscription here. The Zoom link (plus instructions to join the call) will be sent to paid subscribers on the day of the event.

2. In April, I will be leading my Soul Shift weekend retreat at the renowned Kripalu Center located in the serene mountain vistas of Berkshire, MA. Undoubtedly, the most meaningful aspect of my work is gathering in-person with my community. There is something truly magical about getting in touch with the forgotten and neglected parts of ourselves while in the loving presence of those on a similar journey. Two past participants had this to say:

“Rachel’s Soul Shift retreat last year changed my life. Even with my crippling shyness and introversion, I was somewhere I felt loved and seen. I still carry that feeling with me and try to pass it on to others when I can. Thank you, RMS, for what you do and what you inspire.”

“The Soul Shift weekend retreat, led with loving hands by Rachel Macy Stafford, fueled me far more than anything I have experienced throughout the past five years my life. Not only was I able to connect with myself and nature, but the connectedness I felt with the other participants was unprecedented. Everywhere I turned, there was a welcoming face, gentle hands, and encouraging words to support my path. It is this softness that I still carry with me today.”

Reservations start at $602 and include accommodations, meals, and tuition for your entire stay. If you have any questions, please reach out. If you want to be there, I’d love to make it happen.

3. For those needing advanced planning time, I will be leading my Soul Shift retreat at the Art of Living in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina Oct 4-6. Reservations start at $747. Click below for all the details.