Here's the excerpt you wrote that pierced my heart with recognition: "My default response is to panic, cling, overthink, and underestimate myself -- but I know those responses are not only unhealthy but also a waste of precious time. So instead, I will return to a simple truth that holds me steady:
I am love."
I don't tend to think I AM LOVE. I try to love. But I also tell others (and have journaled furiously about this lately) that MY default response is to panic. I use the exact terminology you used here. Whenever I feel that a relationship is threatened, or someone ghosts me, or there's transition on the horizon, my chest tightens, and impulsively, I want to hold on, to clutch the thing or person. I've done this many times in the past, to the detriment of losing friends, because I suffocated them. I was terrified of losing them, and in the end, I did lose them from trying too hard to keep them around.
Lately, I've challenged this in myself. Not harshly, but curiously. I simply stop myself when I hear the abusive inner critic start its diatribe in my head. And then I ask myself, "Is this true?" Usually, it's not. What seems to quiet my critic the most is when I tell it this: "You might be right. I might lose this friend. Or maybe they are upset with me. Maybe I am too controlling or I haven't been around enough or I offended them. Maybe. But maybe not." Instead of leaping to contact the person and barrage them with questions, I'll sit with the tension of my discomfort for a bit.
This is a HUGE SHIFT for me.
What I mean is that, when I first began writing and speaking ten years ago, I shared about the importance of moving through our dark emotions and what that looks like. I helped people recognize that their grief could mentor them, that its intent was not to destroy but to teach and that they could find healing by listening to what their sorrow and losses were trying to tell them. I believed it. I believe it still.
But the part I didn't quite get was that BEFORE we can find our passage THROUGH the difficult, challenging adversities we all face, we FIRST have to sit WITHIN the tension of that emotion--anger, panic, fear, frustration, anxiety, sadness, loneliness. Meaning: don't make any decisions or act on impulse during the height of that discomfort. Instead, lean into it (this part is sooooooooo hard for me), because IT WILL PASS. All feelings crescendo and decrescendo, and it's at their peak when I have, in the past, reflexively tried to control a situation or person. Now, I am learning to recognize the impulse but not give in to it and instead yield to the deeper issue - which, for me, always originates with the fear of abandonment or the abandonment wound. Perceived rejection (even real rejection) contributes to this feeling that I never have been enough, never will be enough.
But I am noticing that when the emotion settles and I return to a place of stasis (harmony: connection, compassion, centered, calm), then I am more apt to see things clearly. My perception isn't muddied by the critic's attempt to defend me from being hurt. Instead, I can look at the situation from a neutral stance, and more often than not, I am able to freely release it altogether without the nagging feeling that I must resolve it.
The bottom line, for me is this: Not all problems have solutions. Not all questions have answers.
It's been a long road of learning how to accept this, Rachel. For me, I've needed answers and solutions in order to feel safe and secure. Living in the uncertainty, in the haze of gray instead of the assurance of black and white, creates havoc inside of me. It's that age-old wound of feeling I will be left behind somehow, that I am unloved and unloveable.
But it really does come back to the truth that love dwells inside each human. I can see it in others, and I am learning to see it in myself.
It's not about perfection anymore for me. It's about being human and being honest about both my triumphs and my tragedies. That's what I try to do in every relationship in my life and through my creative writing.
Thank you for reading my (once again) long answer, Rachel.
"But the part I didn't quite get was that BEFORE we can find our passage THROUGH the difficult, challenging adversities we all face, we FIRST have to sit WITHIN the tension of that emotion--anger, panic, fear, frustration, anxiety, sadness, loneliness. Meaning: don't make any decisions or act on impulse during the height of that discomfort."
WOW. WOW. WOW. THIS is the step that is often glossed over!!! But you are so right that it is integral to the healing process. Oh Jeannie, you constantly astound me with both the self awareness that you have and your ability to articulate these insights. I am in awe of this entire comment you have written. I think I need a book of all your comments! As Melissa said, there is so much to think about in your response. You are so generous, my friend.
Rachel, I admit that when I read your comments (which are overwhelmingly kind) my first instinct is discomfort. I am so used to being ignored and overlooked, especially when I share my heart through my published written work, that to hear someone say "you constantly astound me" and "you are so generous" feels strange, foreign, unfamiliar.
I want you to know that everything you share, both in a general sense through your essays and books, and also in a personal sense, in replying to my comments or commenting on my own essays here on Substack, deeply penetrates my heart with an abiding sense of gratitude. It is new for me to first accept and next believe that what someone might say (like you in this case) that is good about me might be true.
Maybe that sounds weird, but it's part of this bigger excavating I am doing on the inside these last four years - to unearth the shame and put it in the spotlight so that I can finally see the truth about its origins and begin to gently tear down those hurts and wounds.
In many ways, I wonder if the work you and I are doing in this world - in this day, in this era - overlaps. I think it does. I think it might. And I want you to also know that I think of you often, even when you don't post your essays. Sometimes you just pop in my head when I'm taking a walk outside or if I hear a certain song. When you do, I send you love from afar.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for being you.
I am so honored you show up here fully and wholly. Being able to speak my own vulnerable and uncomfortable truths has healed me in indescribable ways. To be in company with you - one who models this process and feels safe to do that here - is truly a blessing to me. Thank you for seeing me and allowing me to see you too. My hand in yours
Rachel, I ditto everything you said here. It's an honor to be among others where we can provide a reciprocal space for safety and mutual self-giving. Being here truly accompanies and buoys my healing, as well. ❤️
You are healing those abandonment wounds, be proud of your process! I love that you recognize perfection is no longer the goal, being human is! So much to think about in this response....thanks for sharing.
Through tears and a trembling within I am responding to this power full post. There is a Re-remembering deep within when I first read your words years before Rachel about “feeling like I am failing and I can still be love, lost in my own darkness and I can still be someone’s light.”
These words were bread for a weary, hungry soul that was starving for Hope, these words were a lifeline in that love doesn’t have to be all prettied up to pull us from the depths.
Your words nourished my spirit and gave me strength to keep loving even though I did not feel felt. I trusted in this love I was sharing, what I spilling out each day into my hardest of hards and held the possibility that I was building something foundational for my family, a forward though I could not see it or feel it I just kept showing up because that’s what loves does.
In a whispered prayer on bender knee, in the next breath inhaled so the next step could be taken, I just need to keep doing love though I saw no difference because I found breath and life in the hoping part.
I learned grace that saved me was not only found in the what was happening, it is held deep inside the hoping part too.
Thank you for naming this so I could know it for myself and claim it for my family and I could believe in a day that Love Wins.
We have grown so much individually but also collectively since the first time I grasped this thread of hope that is self-love. And you have always been on the other side of that thread. LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH.
Thank you 🙏 I love these audio messages from you. And I often pop back multiple times to hear your words of encouragement and it’s soothing to my soul. xxx
I know I am not the only one that states this: Your writing seems to always appear when I need it the most. Thank you!!!! Treehouse times for next week: evening (7-8p Eastern) M-TH
Thank you for letting me know, Mary! I have been thinking about you a lot this week with everything you are navigating. I will be in touch. We spent 2 solid days in 98 degree heat getting Natalie moved into her first apartment only to walk into a flooded apartment. It's been a tough week. Thank you for your patience in my responding.
Oh no! What a challenging move! Please don’t worry at all about quickly responding 💗 hope to join a live session next week, it will be so good to connect with this awesome community again!
Thanks for such a reassuring post. It's so important to be resilient these days and love and acting with love are key. I look forward to catching the Instagram event and joining everyone in the Treehouse. Best times for me next week are Mon-Thurs 7pm EST or later, Sat/Sun mornings. Only day that doesn't work is Friday which is my son's 21st birthday (so yes, exactly, how did that happen???)
Thanks for this, Rachel. I'm often in awe of my kids' capacity for forgiveness. Because I have been AWFUL so many times. But your words, that we ARE LOVE, I also believe to my core. When I got into meditation years back, I remember one of my teachers saying that it's not about whether you drift- it's whether you come back. Make the choice. So, when I'm awful and failing, when I'm aware of it and ready, I come back. I own up to my mistakes and, somehow, my relationship with my kiddos is strong and beautiful. Your post reminded me of this and I'm so grateful. Thank you for your honest account of your story. And, as an aside, we completely uprooted our children, five years ago, from Ohio and moved to the mountains of Boone, NC- my husband actually worked for a time at the Art of Living! Such a small world.<3
Catching up on all your posts this morning! I love when you do audio recordings or read to us in The Treehouse. I ordered those two books you read from this past meet! 🤗
Also, as I was reading this, I was thinking- I’m sad that I can’t make most of the treehouse gatherings- AND THEN YOU ASKED! I know I don’t have much open times, so I won’t be offended if you can’t do my suggestions, but I could do Wednesday, just a bit earlier than usual- at 6 or 6:30? (this is an extra busy week with school starting and some other church things and other stuff). If you wanted some unusual times, I could do Sunday, Tuesday, or Thursday night late, like 9:00. Again- no pressure!!!
This is so reassuring during these times of such transition that we are in! As I try to put my head in the sand, and dwell on all of the things I wish I had done differently, I have your reminders (actually in your voice sometimes- thanks for that!) in my head, and I feel peace, and hope for the future. Also- my favorite things is to hear my kids speak of their younger years fondly- my oldest is most verbal about feeling like she has had the most idyllic childhood possible- and I think she is the one who got me at my worst the most. So grateful the good- and the real- shined through.
Hi Rachel,
Boy, I needed this today.
Here's the excerpt you wrote that pierced my heart with recognition: "My default response is to panic, cling, overthink, and underestimate myself -- but I know those responses are not only unhealthy but also a waste of precious time. So instead, I will return to a simple truth that holds me steady:
I am love."
I don't tend to think I AM LOVE. I try to love. But I also tell others (and have journaled furiously about this lately) that MY default response is to panic. I use the exact terminology you used here. Whenever I feel that a relationship is threatened, or someone ghosts me, or there's transition on the horizon, my chest tightens, and impulsively, I want to hold on, to clutch the thing or person. I've done this many times in the past, to the detriment of losing friends, because I suffocated them. I was terrified of losing them, and in the end, I did lose them from trying too hard to keep them around.
Lately, I've challenged this in myself. Not harshly, but curiously. I simply stop myself when I hear the abusive inner critic start its diatribe in my head. And then I ask myself, "Is this true?" Usually, it's not. What seems to quiet my critic the most is when I tell it this: "You might be right. I might lose this friend. Or maybe they are upset with me. Maybe I am too controlling or I haven't been around enough or I offended them. Maybe. But maybe not." Instead of leaping to contact the person and barrage them with questions, I'll sit with the tension of my discomfort for a bit.
This is a HUGE SHIFT for me.
What I mean is that, when I first began writing and speaking ten years ago, I shared about the importance of moving through our dark emotions and what that looks like. I helped people recognize that their grief could mentor them, that its intent was not to destroy but to teach and that they could find healing by listening to what their sorrow and losses were trying to tell them. I believed it. I believe it still.
But the part I didn't quite get was that BEFORE we can find our passage THROUGH the difficult, challenging adversities we all face, we FIRST have to sit WITHIN the tension of that emotion--anger, panic, fear, frustration, anxiety, sadness, loneliness. Meaning: don't make any decisions or act on impulse during the height of that discomfort. Instead, lean into it (this part is sooooooooo hard for me), because IT WILL PASS. All feelings crescendo and decrescendo, and it's at their peak when I have, in the past, reflexively tried to control a situation or person. Now, I am learning to recognize the impulse but not give in to it and instead yield to the deeper issue - which, for me, always originates with the fear of abandonment or the abandonment wound. Perceived rejection (even real rejection) contributes to this feeling that I never have been enough, never will be enough.
But I am noticing that when the emotion settles and I return to a place of stasis (harmony: connection, compassion, centered, calm), then I am more apt to see things clearly. My perception isn't muddied by the critic's attempt to defend me from being hurt. Instead, I can look at the situation from a neutral stance, and more often than not, I am able to freely release it altogether without the nagging feeling that I must resolve it.
The bottom line, for me is this: Not all problems have solutions. Not all questions have answers.
It's been a long road of learning how to accept this, Rachel. For me, I've needed answers and solutions in order to feel safe and secure. Living in the uncertainty, in the haze of gray instead of the assurance of black and white, creates havoc inside of me. It's that age-old wound of feeling I will be left behind somehow, that I am unloved and unloveable.
But it really does come back to the truth that love dwells inside each human. I can see it in others, and I am learning to see it in myself.
It's not about perfection anymore for me. It's about being human and being honest about both my triumphs and my tragedies. That's what I try to do in every relationship in my life and through my creative writing.
Thank you for reading my (once again) long answer, Rachel.
"But the part I didn't quite get was that BEFORE we can find our passage THROUGH the difficult, challenging adversities we all face, we FIRST have to sit WITHIN the tension of that emotion--anger, panic, fear, frustration, anxiety, sadness, loneliness. Meaning: don't make any decisions or act on impulse during the height of that discomfort."
WOW. WOW. WOW. THIS is the step that is often glossed over!!! But you are so right that it is integral to the healing process. Oh Jeannie, you constantly astound me with both the self awareness that you have and your ability to articulate these insights. I am in awe of this entire comment you have written. I think I need a book of all your comments! As Melissa said, there is so much to think about in your response. You are so generous, my friend.
Rachel, I admit that when I read your comments (which are overwhelmingly kind) my first instinct is discomfort. I am so used to being ignored and overlooked, especially when I share my heart through my published written work, that to hear someone say "you constantly astound me" and "you are so generous" feels strange, foreign, unfamiliar.
I want you to know that everything you share, both in a general sense through your essays and books, and also in a personal sense, in replying to my comments or commenting on my own essays here on Substack, deeply penetrates my heart with an abiding sense of gratitude. It is new for me to first accept and next believe that what someone might say (like you in this case) that is good about me might be true.
Maybe that sounds weird, but it's part of this bigger excavating I am doing on the inside these last four years - to unearth the shame and put it in the spotlight so that I can finally see the truth about its origins and begin to gently tear down those hurts and wounds.
In many ways, I wonder if the work you and I are doing in this world - in this day, in this era - overlaps. I think it does. I think it might. And I want you to also know that I think of you often, even when you don't post your essays. Sometimes you just pop in my head when I'm taking a walk outside or if I hear a certain song. When you do, I send you love from afar.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for being you.
I am so honored you show up here fully and wholly. Being able to speak my own vulnerable and uncomfortable truths has healed me in indescribable ways. To be in company with you - one who models this process and feels safe to do that here - is truly a blessing to me. Thank you for seeing me and allowing me to see you too. My hand in yours
Rachel, I ditto everything you said here. It's an honor to be among others where we can provide a reciprocal space for safety and mutual self-giving. Being here truly accompanies and buoys my healing, as well. ❤️
🤝💗
You are healing those abandonment wounds, be proud of your process! I love that you recognize perfection is no longer the goal, being human is! So much to think about in this response....thanks for sharing.
So glad it was helpful to you, Melissa!
Jeannie, thank you for sharing your process as I believe it will pave the way for others.
I Am Love
Breathing beside you
That is very encouraging, Debby! I hope you are right that it will "pave the way for others." I try to write about what I myself am learning.
Through tears and a trembling within I am responding to this power full post. There is a Re-remembering deep within when I first read your words years before Rachel about “feeling like I am failing and I can still be love, lost in my own darkness and I can still be someone’s light.”
These words were bread for a weary, hungry soul that was starving for Hope, these words were a lifeline in that love doesn’t have to be all prettied up to pull us from the depths.
Your words nourished my spirit and gave me strength to keep loving even though I did not feel felt. I trusted in this love I was sharing, what I spilling out each day into my hardest of hards and held the possibility that I was building something foundational for my family, a forward though I could not see it or feel it I just kept showing up because that’s what loves does.
In a whispered prayer on bender knee, in the next breath inhaled so the next step could be taken, I just need to keep doing love though I saw no difference because I found breath and life in the hoping part.
I learned grace that saved me was not only found in the what was happening, it is held deep inside the hoping part too.
Thank you for naming this so I could know it for myself and claim it for my family and I could believe in a day that Love Wins.
And it did .
We have grown so much individually but also collectively since the first time I grasped this thread of hope that is self-love. And you have always been on the other side of that thread. LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH.
Beautiful!!!!
Love this recording! What a peaceful reminder, thank you!🩷
I appreciate you!
Yes the loveliness in Rachel’s voice lulls you into believing this message was made just for you doesn’t it?
Thank you 🙏 I love these audio messages from you. And I often pop back multiple times to hear your words of encouragement and it’s soothing to my soul. xxx
Thank you, love.
I know I am not the only one that states this: Your writing seems to always appear when I need it the most. Thank you!!!! Treehouse times for next week: evening (7-8p Eastern) M-TH
Thank you for saying this. Oh my heart. That is everything to me.
Exactly what I needed to hear in the time I'm in. Exactly. Thank you. ❤️
I am grateful.
Such a beautiful reminder, thank you 💗
I’d love to be able to join a Treehouse Session next week, evenings work best for me during the week - or anytime on the weekends
Thank you for letting me know, Mary! I have been thinking about you a lot this week with everything you are navigating. I will be in touch. We spent 2 solid days in 98 degree heat getting Natalie moved into her first apartment only to walk into a flooded apartment. It's been a tough week. Thank you for your patience in my responding.
Oh no! What a challenging move! Please don’t worry at all about quickly responding 💗 hope to join a live session next week, it will be so good to connect with this awesome community again!
Thanks for such a reassuring post. It's so important to be resilient these days and love and acting with love are key. I look forward to catching the Instagram event and joining everyone in the Treehouse. Best times for me next week are Mon-Thurs 7pm EST or later, Sat/Sun mornings. Only day that doesn't work is Friday which is my son's 21st birthday (so yes, exactly, how did that happen???)
Happy 21st to your son!!!
Thank you, dear Ginger!!!
I could make almost any time work on Fri/Sat/Sun.
This is so helpful! Thank you!!!
evenings 7ish ....
Thanks for this, Rachel. I'm often in awe of my kids' capacity for forgiveness. Because I have been AWFUL so many times. But your words, that we ARE LOVE, I also believe to my core. When I got into meditation years back, I remember one of my teachers saying that it's not about whether you drift- it's whether you come back. Make the choice. So, when I'm awful and failing, when I'm aware of it and ready, I come back. I own up to my mistakes and, somehow, my relationship with my kiddos is strong and beautiful. Your post reminded me of this and I'm so grateful. Thank you for your honest account of your story. And, as an aside, we completely uprooted our children, five years ago, from Ohio and moved to the mountains of Boone, NC- my husband actually worked for a time at the Art of Living! Such a small world.<3
Catching up on all your posts this morning! I love when you do audio recordings or read to us in The Treehouse. I ordered those two books you read from this past meet! 🤗
“You can feel like you’re in the dark and still be someone’s light.
You can feel like you’re going under and still lift someone up.” Truly beautiful and wonderful reminders. Thank you ✨
Also, as I was reading this, I was thinking- I’m sad that I can’t make most of the treehouse gatherings- AND THEN YOU ASKED! I know I don’t have much open times, so I won’t be offended if you can’t do my suggestions, but I could do Wednesday, just a bit earlier than usual- at 6 or 6:30? (this is an extra busy week with school starting and some other church things and other stuff). If you wanted some unusual times, I could do Sunday, Tuesday, or Thursday night late, like 9:00. Again- no pressure!!!
This is so reassuring during these times of such transition that we are in! As I try to put my head in the sand, and dwell on all of the things I wish I had done differently, I have your reminders (actually in your voice sometimes- thanks for that!) in my head, and I feel peace, and hope for the future. Also- my favorite things is to hear my kids speak of their younger years fondly- my oldest is most verbal about feeling like she has had the most idyllic childhood possible- and I think she is the one who got me at my worst the most. So grateful the good- and the real- shined through.
❤️🙏🏼