What My Loneliest Birthday Revealed About Belonging

And how getting to know yourself paves the way for community

For forever and always, on January 24^th, I will think about my worst birthday ever.

Today is that day.

The year was 2009. Scott and I had just moved to a small town on the eastern shore of Mobile, Alabama, with a toddler and a newborn in tow. I’d left behind a loving support system in Florida, which included my parents. As a result, I was depressed, anxious, sleep-deprived, and very, very lonely.

On the morning of January 24th, I needed to go to the grocery store for milk and bread. As we embarked on our errand, I remember looking in every car as we traveled, down every grocery store aisle as we shopped, and in every house as we pulled into our neighborhood. Not one familiar face. Not one person in this city to smile at me and say, “Happy birthday,” because we knew no one.

On that birthday, I realized that even as a deeply introverted person, I needed people. I needed to be known and loved, especially on the celebratory days of life.

My family moved two more times after that – and it was the state where I currently reside that I took a proactive step ahead of January 24^th to avoid another isolated birthday.

One of my favorite authors was coming to speak in a nearby city on January 23^rd, so I bought a ticket. I then stepped way outside my comfort zone and drove over an hour through unfamiliar territory to attend this event by myself.

I remember laughing out loud and crying uninhibitedly that night while sitting in the audience. Yes, I didn’t know a soul, but I didn’t feel alone because I was surrounded by people who shared a common bond: We all loved Glennon.

As I was leaving to go home, the event photographer apprehensively approached me. In the sincerest way, she told me how much my work meant to her. Naturally, I loved this woman instantly and had to restrain myself from asking if she wanted a new best friend. After chatting for a few minutes, we discovered we didn’t live far from one another and exchanged numbers.

A few weeks later, Amy came to my area and took headshots for my upcoming book release. As someone who hates having her photo taken, I was shocked to find myself enjoying the experience with Amy. She didn’t just take my photo; she connected with me. She asked questions like, “What you want readers to feel when they read this book…” and had me laughing (not the fake kind) by telling me her most embarrassing moments.

When I started leading Soul Shift retreats in 2018, I invited Amy to join me. Five years and many retreats later, I have a collection of photos that are among my greatest treasures. Through Amy’s lens, I see someone who tries her very best to make sure the person standing in front of her feels known and loved.

Creating spaces where strangers become friends is what I am most proud of in terms of the work I do. Much of the reason I shifted my time and energy away from social media to my treehouse was because I was feeling less and less connected to my true community members and more and more alienated by those lurking in the shadow of anonymity.

In just a short time, the treehouse has not only felt like home, but it has also felt like Coming Home. This feeling was especially palpable during our first Loft Lounge Session on Zoom last week.

I’d mentioned it was a very ‘come as you are’ space and participants could decide whether they wanted their camera on or off. Everyone chose to be seen, and the way members had prepared their own cozy space for the gathering brought me to tears.

I’d spent weeks getting my own space ready. I’d ordered and assembled a gorgeous wooden room divider with shelves, so it would look like I was in an actual childhood treehouse with all my beloved treasures. I didn’t know if I was the only one who would take our gatherings this seriously, so to receive beautiful affirmations afterwards made me feel so seen.

Linda wrote:

“What a delight it was to see your handiwork as you created a treehouse setting that was warm and cozy. You put a lot of thought into it and it showed. When you mentioned that you are not very creative, I just looked at what you created and smiled. I got the feeling that little Rachel is holding your hand and guiding you. You are stepping away from what the world encourages writers and FB influencers from doing and ‘stretching’ and stepping into what your heart and soul is whispering for you to do. It felt so inviting, welcoming, and loving to be in your presence and the presence of all the people that showed up last night.

I love more intimate groups. A place where you can feel seen, heard and held. My heart smiled that you are creating this and blessing so many of us with this beautiful space. I look forward for more gatherings in the treehouse.”

I read Linda’s comment three times and released the biggest exhale. I’d hoped with all my heart that despite being separated by computer screens, time zones, and large bodies of water, we might still feel as though we were all together.

The picture I sent to Natalie & Avery before the Zoom started.

Donna, another participant, wrote this:

“Rachel, that wooden divider and shelves that you built for the Zoom meeting was the sweetest thing! The candles and lighted tree were perfect! I felt like we were all huddled in a secret blanket fort sharing secrets and stories. What an awesome community you have continued to nourish.”

Thank you, Donna. This is balm to my heart.

One of the many great questions asked during the Q&A segment of the gathering was about getting to know yourself and what fills you up. I talked about the importance of pausing before writing yourself off when an opportunity to do something outside your comfort zone comes up.

Instead of quickly saying, “I can’t do that,” or “That’s not me,” I encouraged participants to pause and consider the validity of that deterrence. Perhaps the hesitation is coming from someone’s opinion that you internalized.

By truly listening to yourself, you will find your way to something that truly fulfills you.

For a whole week, I thought about that response I offered and decided to take my own advice. I’d recently read that most dogs housed in shelters don’t get walked, but there are programs where volunteers can take the dogs for walks.

With a quick Google search, I found a shelter near my house that has Sunday Dog Walks, which were described on the website as a great way to play and exercise with the shelter animals and be around fellow animal-lovers.

As an early birthday present to my six-year-old self who made a wish for all animals to have homes, I filled out a volunteer application yesterday.

I think maybe Linda was right – little Rachel is taking my hand and guiding me to places I can find true peace and connection in my adult life.

And because 2009 Rachel used her worst birthday as a chance to know and love herself better, I am smiling today, January 24^th, the day of my birth.

And because you are here with me, I am not alone.

My friends, do you have any memorable birthdays (good or bad) you’d like to share? In what ways has learning about yourself (likes, dislikes, interests, passions) helped you find “your people”? What obstacles are you encountering? I welcome your comments. We can learn so much from each other.

If you’re feeling a need and desire to connect with like-minded people in a safe, supportive, healthy, and uplifting environment, please consider becoming a paid subscriber if you haven’t already. We will be having our next Treehouse gathering on Zoom very soon!

Also, I want to encourage you to consider joining me on April 19-21 for my Soul Retreat at Kripalu in MA. This is shaping up to be a very small, intimate group, so if you’ve been wanting to come, this might be the ideal gathering. Time and time again, I hear the words, “I was scared to come, but I am so glad I did.”

Registration starts at $602 and includes accommodations, meals, and course tuition for your entire stay.

Testimonies from past participants:

• “The weekend retreat was magical and just what my soul needed. I laughed when I told my family I was off to ‘shift my soul’ - wasn’t sure exactly how else to explain it. Movement. Meditation. Healthy food (prepared by someone else). Nature walks. Bonfire with ukulele and singing. Reflection. Inspiration. Amazing views.” -K.W.

• “Your Soul Shift retreat last year in NC changed my life. Even with my crippling shyness and introversion, I was somewhere I felt loved and seen. I still carry that feeling with me and try to pass it on to others when I can.” -E.C.

• “I came to realize that just skirting the surface of the practices you teach is so incredibly different from taking a break from all the other things in life and spending time really focused on learning and growing.” -C.N.

• “It was the best gift I have ever given myself.” -E.B.
   

Last but not least, you need to know what Amy, the amazing photographer, is offering right now…  

Amy has put her heart and soul into designing a 10-minute headshot sessions in February in Raleigh, NC that will put you at ease while she brings out the REAL and STUNNING you. Whether you come to update your LinkedIn profile, your online dating picture or to simply document THIS year of YOU in the world - you will love the results of these short sessions.

Also, one of Amy’s greatest joys is helping small business owners, artists, authors, and creators gain a clearer vision for their online business presence and connect more authentically with their audience. Right now, Amy is offering a COMPLIMENTARY branding discovery call. Want to learn more? Email Amy at amy@amy-paulson.com or use her contact form on her website. 

Amy & Rachel at Art of Living Retreat Center in Boone, NC