Loose-Leaf Letter #3
Find Your Boundary Brush. You Are Capable of Coloring Your Canvas.
“Just because they asked, doesn’t mean you have to do it.”
These were the words of my husband, Scott, in a conversation we had in January 2018.
(I can’t always remember how old I am, but I can remember the date I received this life-changing advice.)
I’d just finished describing an extensive project I’d been asked to collaborate on with no financial compensation.
Just because they asked, doesn’t mean you have to do it.
Scott’s response was so simple, yet so far from my natural response, that I was rendered speechless.
I wrote down his words in my Writing Ideas notebook. I suspected I had some readers out there, regardless of their career path or life circumstances, that could use this perspective too.
Just because someone wants something from us doesn’t mean we have to provide.
Whew. That’s a hard one for me.
I am a giver. I am a responder. I am a helper. I am a diehard accommodator – or at least I was in 2018. Now I am still those things, but with boundaries.
My conversation with Scott helped me realize I needed to stop giving so much of myself away. Changing a deeply engrained tendency like this would’ve felt daunting had it not been for my experience as a special education teacher.
As a behavior specialist, I learned lasting change didn’t happen by making drastic, sweeping changes; transformation happened through one new choice, one small step at a time.
I took Scott’s advice and said no to the request. Drafting that email wasn’t easy, and the requester expressed disappointment, but I survived. After getting a few more no’s under my belt, an empowering thought occurred to me:
“Maybe I am capable of honoring myself, even when that requires disappointing other people.”
The “maybe” in that sentence is now gone. Over five years of practicing listening to myself and honoring my needs has confirmed that I AM capable of advocating for myself, even when difficult choices are required.
Exactly one month ago, I reached what feels like the culmination of this self-reclamation journey that began in 2018. I finally honored that voice telling me, urging me, begging me to stop pouring so much time and energy into social media – the place where my authentic self was continually overrun by external expectations, depleting demands, and superficial metrics.
I am now diverting that precious time and energy to this glorious place, my treehouse.
For the first time in ten years, my mornings are mine. No longer do I have to use the first sacred hours of my day to draft a fresh, pithy post, edit it, publish it, and manage comments on it.
There are no words to describe how good it feels to have those sacred hours back each day—but to be fully transparent, this change is taking some getting used to.
There wasn’t a single morning in the month January that I didn’t go towards my computer out of habit.
“What are you going to post? You must produce! It’s the only way to stay relevant and make a living as an author!”
(That’s the voice of my inner taskmaster who believed for so long that my worth was directly tied to my productivity and achievements.)
When I notice that demanding voice, I gently remind myself of the healing truth I learned by making one self-honoring choice at a time, starting in 2018:
“I am worthy no matter how much or how little I do. I am worthy because I am here, showing up bravely, boldly, flawed and full of hope.”
‘But are you sure?!!’ (My inner taskmaster can be quite persistent!)
That’s when I refer to the advice of the smartest person I know – my sister, Rebecca – who has a PhD as well as loads of practical everyday life wisdom.
“Rachel, you are in a different place now than when you started out trying to make it as an author in 2011,” Rebecca said during a walk. “You don’t have to PROVE yourself anymore. Instead, use that energy to be TRUE to yourself.”
I tucked my sister’s words away, thinking they made a lot of sense, but I didn’t apply them because I didn’t know how to be true to myself in a practical sense… until now.
When I get up in the morning and delightfully remember I no longer have to write ON DEMAND, I do my 20-minute stretching routine and then I make myself a real breakfast. This is new. Tossing a handful of nuts in my mouth was quick and easy. Last week, I taught myself how to use the air fryer that’s been collecting dust in the cupboard for years. I made a tomato and arugula frittata.
When that golden puff of goodness came out of the air fryer, I was struck by how beautiful it was. It only took three minutes to whip up and fifteen to bake, but it felt like I’d gone to a lot of trouble for ME. I went to trouble for me. I gave myself the gift of time… and something about that filled me up.
A member of our community struck a chord with many people last week when she commented on the struggle of finding one’s authentic self and used a phrase that really resonated. Linda wrote:
“Being curious about this (self-discovery) journey goes so beautifully with being in this special group as we color ourselves in, are more loving towards ourselves, and become free from what the world says we should be like. Being surrounded by loving, compassionate, and supportive people in Rachel's Treehouse helps.”
To color ourselves in is to find out who we are, what we like and what don’t like… what we’ll allow and what we won’t allow. This process takes time, but we are capable; we are worthy.
I think about the tomato frittata and the sassy pink socks I wear when I stretch that say, “Hi. I don’t care. Thanks,” and I see my colors emerging. There is finally space to color myself in because I stopped filling it with things that were depleting me or no longer serving me.
My friends, now it’s your turn: Do you have depleting roles, habits, or routines taking up sacred space in your life? How does the thought of “coloring yourself in” make you feel? How can this community support you in your efforts to make self-honoring choices? Tell us in the comments.
In two weeks I will be attending a Celebration of Life ceremony for a beloved neighbor and friend who passed away unexpectedly. His school-age children have asked everyone to wear their dad’s favorite college football team’s colors or something baby blue. With the new space I have in my mornings, I went to a consignment shop where everything was organized by color.
I pulled the most beautiful baby blue sweater off the rack and held it to my chest. Tears came to my eyes as I imagined the huge turnout to celebrate the life of a man who was never too busy to ask how you were doing and actually listen.
He would have loved to see “his colors” on all the lives he touched. In his honor, I will take this gesture one step further and vow to color myself in while there is still precious time. I hope you’ll join me.
Dear community, let’s gather in our treehouse this weekend and continue talking about how to ignite the self-discovery + boundary setting process. Paid subscribers will find all the details, including the Zoom link, for our second Loft Lounge Session below. If you’re a free subscriber and would like to participate in these uplifting monthly online gatherings, upgrade your subscription by clicking this button:
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