Disappointed No More: Setting a Self-Love Precedent for 2025
don’t wait another year to embrace the joy of self-gifting
I can’t tell you how many times I received a pair of pajamas for Christmas and felt a sense of disappointment
Yes, they were cozy, stylish, and had a lot of coverage, but I much prefer to throw on my lovingly worn pj pants from 2010 with a mismatched top.
“Save your money and give me something I can experience, like…..” I wanted to say.
But that second part kept me stuck. I couldn’t tell my family what I really wanted because I had no idea!
It’s difficult to know your heart’s desires if you don’t really know your true self, only the person you’ve become as roles (chosen and unchosen) accumulate over time.
It’s only been in the past couple years that I began shedding unwanted (or no longer needed) roles and identified my likes, dislikes, interests, and passions. It took me additional time to vocalize these inclinations and engage in my preferred activities without fear of criticism or judgement (both internal and external).
A real breakthrough happened on the first day of January 2022. I woke up realizing that I had finally gotten a handle on what I would and would not tolerate in my life anymore. I sat down and wrote this declaration that spread like wildfire when I posted it on the internet.
HARMONY IN YOU / my first words in the new year
If you must give me a gift,
Make it one that grows (like a plant) or opens (like a book),
so I can enjoy it for a lifetime of comfort and escape.
If you must give me a compliment,
Make it one that goes below the surface,
So I can own it, no matter the ever-changing standards of beauty.
If you must give me a critique,
Make it one that is valid,
So I am not burdened by insecurities of yours being projected on to me.
If you must give me a hardship,
Make it one that is divisible by two,
So I am not forced to carry it alone.
If you must give me a map of directions,
Make it one that is open to interpretation,
So I can still rely on my heart for guidance.
If you must give me a hateful viewpoint,
Make it one that is lightweight,
So I can fold it into a flower petal and push it out to sea.
If you must give me a goal,
Make it one that is doable,
So I can feel encouraged, even with the tiniest of steps.
If you must give me a sliver of time,
Make it one rich in connection,
So I can feel held, even as the world spins out of control.
© Rachel Macy Stafford 2022 (later published in my best-selling book, Soul Shift)
Besides posting my self-declaration on the internet, I read it to my family and shared it with close friends. I clearly and kindly told them I would be happy to never receive another pair of pajamas in my life, nor did I have room for superficial stuff; I’d much rather share an interesting experience, receive art that supports someone, or be gifted meaningful words in a card.
It is quite amazing what gifts my family has given to me since that conversation…
A bell installed on my bicycle with the most precious brrrring!
Concert tickets to see an artist someone said “would not be your crowd, Rachel,” and I ignored them and had the best time
A bird feeder in view of my work area
Hand-roasted rosemary cashews (my daughter Natalie is quite the culinarian)
A prayer plant
Books upon books upon books (let’s not get into the numbers, ok?)
My friends, I want you to think about something:
How many times have you chosen the perfect gift for someone? Can you remember the excitement you felt watching them open it? Think about what they said.
“How did you know?”
Well, you paid attention. You listened. You noticed. You trusted and then acted.
Think about it…
YOU CAN DO THAT FOR YOURSELF!
Beginning the gifting process for yourself might sound like this:
Hmm… that looks interesting
I might want to try that.
You know, I have never liked ____.
I’ve always wanted to try______.
I think I might be more of a _______ and less of a __________.
Approach life and all its offerings with a posture of curiosity and non-judgement. There are no “wrong” answers when coming to know yourself and what you might like! Although this process takes time, the good news is that the discovery process required to find your preferred gifts is often better than the gifts themselves!
This essay would not be complete if I failed to mention what has transpired with the bird feeder, my best gift of 2024. (Note: I specifically told my family that is what I wanted for Mother’s Day.)
All summer and fall, I sat on the back porch watching my feathered friends discover this new and plentiful source of food. I suspect they grew fond of me quickly because I was mindful to refill the seed before it fully emptied (which was a lot)!
Now that it is winter and too cold to sit outside, I work at my kitchen table where I can view the feeder through the glass back doors. I was shocked the first time several birds came and perched directly on my deck railing. But that was just the start. Every day throughout December, bird friends have come to my deck, allowing me to be as close as I’ve ever been to these fascinating creatures!
Being able to examine their colorful feathers up close feels like something out of a dream. But there’s this one very curious, very plump Eastern Blue Bird that visits every single day. When he looks directly at me through the glass, I swear he is marveling at my colors!
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have known I had so many colors, but now I know I do – and so do you.
My friends, 2025 could be your year to draw closer to yourself and nurture the vibrance within.
No matter how you lived or what you believed about yourself up to this point, it’s not too late to discover the colors of you that have been dulled, diluted, or even erased.
Start by considering one thing you really want this holiday; let it set a self-love precedent for 2025. Please don’t wait another year… or even another day… to gift yourself. You are worthy.
My hand in yours,
Rachel
Hi Rachel. Loved your post. Took lots of mental note. Had a few nods going on and a big sigh at the end. I sighed because what my self needs and wants have been mostly unobtainable my entire life but I have hope that it is coming... so I'll start with this: “If you must give me a gift, make it one that reflects how you see me or how you feel about me, not how you want or wish me to be, think like or look like."
Rachel,
I love your little friend, Blueberry. What kind of bird is it? In another life, I might have been an ornithologist, I love birds so much!
I admit I am not great at selecting PHYSICAL gifts for people. What I love most--what makes me FEEL most loved, anyway--are when others spend quality time with me or send me a thoughtful note. So I have to really work at selecting an actual present, and I'm not great at it. My kids tell me what they want, then I'll secretly purchase it for them, and by the time they receive it, they'd forgotten about it and went on to something else.
Plus, I really hate clutter.
But I want my kids to have something to open up for Christmas. And birthdays.
By the way, I LOVE the fact that you included this beautiful excerpt from SOUL SHIFT. I am reminded of the value of our words and actions, and to be soft both to myself and others. You remind me so well to do that, Rachel.
I hope your holiday celebrations are full of everything good: love, laughter, peace, joy, and warmth. You deserve it.