Boundaries Gone Wrong
And a newfound strength to finally get them right! (A Real Unicorn Story, Part 2)
My best friend from childhood, Kerry – who is now a licensed therapist – taught me I could lessen a fear by speaking it.
I tried it the first time at a retreat I was leading in 2022, and then again in 2023 during a group meeting for dog walking volunteers.
In both situations, I had a fear that was creating an obstacle to me getting the most out of the experience. My vulnerable admission to the members in these groups not only alleviated the fear but also opened pathways for connection.
At the beginning of my recent California adventure with nine strangers, I knew exactly what I needed to do about a fear I was having:
Speak it
The ten of us had piled into a comfortable passenger van and our local guide, Judd, was driving us safely to Yosemite National Park, the first of three places we would be visiting over our six-day adventure.
Along our drive, I shared the Soul Shift concepts I’d be teaching and the structure of the sessions. The group then spent time getting to know a bit about each other.
When it appeared that everyone was feeling quite comfortable, I forged into what felt like a hard, but necessary, conversation.
“In order to get the most out of any new experience,” I began. “It’s helpful to identify any fears or obstacles that are preoccupying your mind. I am going to give you a chance to journal on this topic using prompts, but first, I am going to be vulnerable and share the fears I have about hosting this trip.”
My biggest fears were:
1) Someone on the trip feeling unseen, unheard, or excluded.
2) Working so hard to make sure everyone feels seen, heard, and included that I neglect my own needs and exhaust myself.
What a telling juxtaposition of fears!
I went on to explain my needs and intention.
“I want to be the best possible host I can be so that you experience ah-ha moments and healing discoveries this week. To do this, I will need alone time each day because that is how I best recharge my battery.
If you see me put in my AirPods to listen to music or wander from the campground for a short walk, that is not me withdrawing or ignoring; that is me taking care of myself.I hope you feel free to do the same for yourself and support each other’s efforts to do this. Self-introspection is critical to process information, heal internal scars, and uncover the answers within. To make sure you have that opportunity, I have built in ‘mindful moments” (recharge time) every day for this very purpose.”
Within a few hours of our initial meeting, we stopped at a grocery store to gather last-minute supplies. I was heartened to see group members learning each other’s names and making sure no one was left behind.
As we set up our tents, a camaraderie quickly developed as the more experienced campers helped the less experienced (me!) set up our tents. There was a lot of laughter as one tent collapsed, and a friendly skunk decided to drop by.
The next morning, members warmly greeted each other, inquired about their quality of sleep, and helped our guide set out breakfast. After we ate, members chipped in to help with clean up, so we could set off on our adventure.
During our first hike in Yosemite, I marveled when a member voiced what she needed to be able to overcome the physical challenges she was experiencing and work through self-limiting beliefs. The other members responded supportively and provided the encouragement and space requested.
For four solid days, vocalizations and breakthroughs, like the one on the trail, occurred as group trust and interconnectedness grew. My fear of being burned out completely dissipated. I’d been embraced as an equal member. No one was solely responsible for keeping our collective fire burning; we all contributed, so no one’s individual light burned out.
On the final day of the trip, we hiked to a lookout point in Big Sur. The spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean looked like something from my dreams. Perching myself at the edge of the world, I paused to marvel and contemplate.
I remember very clearly what my exact thoughts were in that moment.
I am not exhausted. I am replenished.
I am not depleted. I am fulfilled.
I am not weary. I am rejuvenated.
How can this be? I have spent six days hosting and traveling with a group of people I didn’t know a until a few days ago!
The “unicorn” terminology Scott offered over the phone on day three when I described the near-perfect experience I was having came to mind.
I must not be exhausted because this is a rare, magical experience that will never come again, I concluded.
The following day, as I waited for my plane to depart, I opened the photo sharing app our group was using to upload and share photos.
I was stunned.
It was a picture of me on the cliff taken from nine different angles by nine different people who cared deeply for my wellbeing.
Nine fellow travelers thought to capture that restorative moment for me – and it was through their eyes that I was able to see myself objectively. Suddenly, I felt great compassion for the woman in the picture.
I remember thinking:
Every single day for the past decade, this woman has processed the pain of at least one stranger. Trauma is handed to her without warning; it just pops up in one of her many inboxes at all times of day and night, workdays and weekends. And because she is a deep feeler, she absorbs it; she feels what they feel; she wants to help, support, and comfort because her worst fear is someone feeling unseen, unheard, or excluded.
But it’s not just some ONE – it’s so many. And that’s what people don’t realize when they message her as if she is their friend, confidant, or therapist.
Remember June 2020 when this woman was forced to seek professional help? In her desperation to relieve the pressure from continually managing more demands than she could reasonably handle, she’d reverted to harmful coping mechanisms. Do you remember what her therapist said after three sessions?
“99 percent of Rachel’s issues stem from her work.”
What have you changed over the past four years to protect the woman in the picture?
What can you do to protect her better now?
When I became a published an author in 2014, a lifelong dream had come true. Little did I know it would require me to give so much of myself away. I soon discovered the words I offered freely weren’t enough. Personal correspondence was expected, and through the wonders of technology, I was accessible to anyone at any time. “Responding” became this whole other chunk of unpaid labor I did beyond writing. As time went on, I became accustomed to it. I accepted this was part of being a public writer, regardless of the toll it took on my mental and physical health.
But then the Unicorn trip happened.
And for the first time, I set a boundary to ensure I could care for myself while doing the work I love and feel called to do.
And the result was better than I could have imagined for everyone involved!
Maybe it is possible to do this work without sacrificing myself, I thought optimistically as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac of my home state.
As if fate was testing me, I was thrust into a frenzy of nonstop messages regarding the impact of Hurricane Helene on my retreat in North Carolina. Trying to prepare my home for historic storm impact, check on my elderly parents, and respond to questions from every possible app and inbox was overwhelming. I was doing everything I could to get in touch with the retreat center staff and make sound decisions, but they were in the middle of a catastrophic event! I trusted they would notify me as soon as they could.
As messages continued to pour in, I realized I could sit there and keep allowing sacred space in my life to be overrun, or I could start doing things differently. Joe Sanok, Author of Thursday is the New Friday, gave me the kick I needed:
“When setting boundaries, we typically go wrong when we expect other people to give us what we need as opposed to taking the initiative ourselves. We may ask our partners and peers to communicate with compassion, our bosses to send their last email no later than 5 pm, or our workplaces for more flexible schedules — and still not see the outcomes we want.
One way to overcome these obstacles, and re-empower yourself, is to change your mindset around how boundaries work. Understand that boundaries are limits you identify for yourself and apply through action or communication. This doesn’t mean you get everything you want when you want it. It means there are small things within your control that you can do to protect your time and energy.”
Suddenly, I was struck by a powerful revelation. The reason I wasn’t mentally, emotionally and physically drained at the end of the California trip wasn’t due to magical happenstance. It was because I’d applied boundaries through ACTION and COMMUNICATION! And there was no reason I couldn’t continue doing it now.
For the first time in over a decade, I have taken four specific actions to re-empower myself and protect my peace – and they are things you can do too.
I hope what I share in Part 3 of the Real Unicorn Story helps you protect your time, energy, and wellbeing. Caring for yourself should not be a rare and magical event, but instead a daily constant, enabling you to get the most out of your one, precious life.
You are worthy.
My hand in yours,
Rachel
🪜🌳 If you are a free subscriber and would like to receive Part 3 in this series and join our live Treehouse gathering on Sunday, November 3rd at 7pm Eastern via Zoom (topic will be on healthy boundaries), you can upgrade your subscription here.
🤝🗣️ Friends, the comment section of Rachel’s Treehouse is a nourishing, supportive place to share from your heart. I welcome your thoughts on these prompts:
·1. Are there areas of your life that feel overrun by the needs of others? Describe them. (Awareness is the first step to change.)
2. Using the message I spoke to my traveling companions as a formula for identifying and communicating boundaries, how might you complete these statements:
“I want to be the best possible _____________. To do this, I need ________________ each day because that is how I best recharge my battery.
If you see me _____________________ or _____________________, that is not me withdrawing or ignoring; that is me taking care of myself. I hope you feel free to do the same for yourself.”
🩵 Special thanks to my 9 traveling companions for responding to my boundary in a way that helped inspire this breakthrough… and for loving me so well that I am now better able to love myself.
🌻 My deepest gratitude to my best friend Kerry Foreman. Without her, none of this would have been possible.
Hi Rachel,
I want to tell you that I was grinning the entire time I read this. I KNEW this would be a life-changing, transformative experience for you! I just had this feeling about it, and I loved what you ended up sharing - so thoughtfully, as usual. I guess I didn't realize how much thought and time and care you poured into the crafting and editing of this essay before you hit "publish," but the 27 hours truly drove that home for me.
When you wrote about communicating to your group the need to recharge yourself and what specific signal that would be - putting in your earbuds - I thought, "What a simple but powerful and clear way to convey boundaries." It's so easy for us to misconstrue the non-verbal signals of another person. I do it all the time. In fact, I told my husband, Ben, last week that when I open up to him in an especially vulnerable moment and he is silent, I start to panic and feel regret or embarrassment at what I shared. I end up asking myself, with every second that passes, "Did I overshare? I do this all the time. I push people away, because I'm too open, too honest, too raw. I externally process, and it floods people with too much information too quickly. Why can't I just be simple in the way I think and feel? Why does everything have to be so complex for me?"
And then Ben responded, "I'm not ignoring or dismissing you. I'm taking the time to process what you're telling me so that I can be thoughtful in how I respond."
Bingo.
So then I asked him, "Would you mind terribly if, when you need the time and space to think and process after I've shared something hard with you, to tell me that? Just tell me you are thinking and that it's not because I've said too much. It would help me allow you that space without trying to apologize or fill it with my assumptions that I am overwhelming you or that you have rejected my vulnerable offering."
It's kinda like what you did on your retreat, except my example was more complicated (not surprisingly).
It's incredible what magic can happen when we begin to own and honor our needs, understanding that not everyone will appreciate or respect them or respond in the way we'd like. That's what has held me back from verbalizing my own boundaries: I'm terrified of rejection. I'm terrified the other person will balk or ignore or dismiss or walk all over me, and then I get resentful if/when it happens.
Yet honoring the way we show up for ourselves actually nourishes and fortifies the way we are able to show up in our relationships.
In seeing that 99% of your stress comes from your work, it seems that maybe this California wilderness expedition offered you clarity on how to show up in your work in a new way. Without compromising yourself.
What a beautiful story, Rachel. I always feel like I have a filled teacup after reading your posts.
Always remember this dear, loving, caring Rachel.
You have created a community of respect.
You have created a community of honesty.
You have created a community of support.
You have created a community of safety.
You have created a community of love and nourishment.
Because it is a Community we will always have each other's back, especially you! Always remember that we know that a healthy, vibrant, well-taken care of Rachel is the best gift we can all receive. We know your needs come first because you have taught us all that. Keep putting the energy into you and it will continue to spill over onto us!